Posts by Dr. Boli
THINGS WE SIMPLY CANNOT IMPROVE.
Ajax His Speech to the Grecian Knabbs, from Ovid’s Metam. Lib. XIII. Attempted in broad Buchans. To which are added a Journal to Portsmouth, and a Shop-Bill, in the same dialect. With a key. By R—— F—— Gent. Glasgow, 1755. It must have taken a certain uncommonly brilliant species of genius to attempt the translation of Ovid into contemporary Scots dialect. The result is at least as funny as you expect, as when Ajax says of Ulysses,
At threeps I am na’ sae perquire,
Nor auld-sarren as he,
Bat at banes-brakin, it’s well kent,
He has na’ maughts like me.For as far as I him excel
In toulzies fierce an’ strong,
As far in chaft-taak he exceeds
Me, wi’ his sleeked tongue.
The Latin text is printed at the bottom of each page, so that you may judge the accuracy of the translation for yourself. For comparison, here is Dryden’s translation of the same passage:
By diff’rent Methods we maintain our Right,
Nor am I made to Talk nor he to Fight.
In bloody Fields I labour to be great;
His Arms are a smooth Tongue and soft Deceit…
Dr. Boli is of the opinion that the real Ajax would be less likely to say “In bloody fields I labor to be great,” and more likely to boast of his own skill at “banes-brakin.”
Because you are not likely to discover this book unless someone points it out to you, Dr. Boli gladly shares his discovery, and heaps praises on the ingenuity of R—— F—— Gent.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1653, Oliver Cromwell (shown here with a London street urchin picking his pocket) was named Lord Protector of England, in the crowning success of what is widely regarded as the most successful protection racket in history.
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Does history confuse you? Misinform yourself, and you need never be confused again.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boil: Do auspicious and suspicious come from the same root word? Where did they part ways and why? —Sincerely, the Rev. W. W. Skeat, Ll.D.
Dear Sir: Both words come from the root “pish,” an interjection used to express disbelief. Thus a suspect is a person as to whose statements or motives one says “pish,” and auspices are auguries or prophecies as to whose accuracy one says “pish.” Etymology, or the tracing of word-origins, is a useful science that allows us to understand much of what we read in the daily papers in a much deeper way than the average reader can appreciate.
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IN THE NEWS.
AFTER ACRIMONIOUS DEBATE, the Grant Borough council has agreed to submit the question of outsourcing the borough fire department to Bangalore to a referendum. A plurality of council favored the move to Bangalore, but supporters were not able to obtain the necessary majority. The rest of council was divided, with four members favoring outsourcing the fire department to Chittagong and three members preferring Vilnius.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
UPDATE: Since this article was written many years ago, the Eclectic Library has grown quite a bit, and the books themselves are more accessible. Many of the books in the collection are hosted by the Internet Archive or HathiTrust, and Google Books is much less restrictive than it was when it was young.
SINCE THE INCEPTION of the Google Books service, Dr. Boli has been making his own catalogue of certain books he has found useful or amusing. Google Books is a project with the potential to change the way we interact with the world’s literature; but at present its indexing system is in a primitive state. Anyone who has ever tried to use Google Books to find all the volumes of a multiple-volume set will appreciate the need for some better high-level catalogue.
It seemed to Dr. Boli that the best way to organize his own research was as a series of HTML pages; and, since what he had created was, practically speaking, an off-line Web site, there seemed to be no reason not to put it on line where other people with peculiar tastes might find it useful as well.
Thus the bibliophiles among his readers are invited to visit Boli’s Eclectic Library, where, as time goes on, more and more curious volumes will be made easily accessible to equally curious readers. Only a few pages are up now, but already the Classical section hints at what might be accomplished in the future.
Dr. Boli regrets that, at present, the site may be nearly useless for readers outside the United States, where Google still blocks access to much of its public-domain collection.
If you should happen to visit and find the site “under review,” do not despair. The Web host on which the site resides is kind enough to provide the server space gratis, but begins to get suspicious if people from the unwashed Internet actually visit any of the sites it hosts. The review is usually completed in about a day.
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Do you find that ordinary books contain entirely too much information? Misinformation is what you need.
IN THE NEWS.
A LAWSUIT DESCRIBED as the first of its kind was filed downtown today in federal district court. According to the filing, hackers stole the identity of Mr. Robert Brzrszic of Brentwood two weeks ago. They were immediately inundated with calls from bill collectors and visits from sheriff’s deputies, and their car was booted for unpaid parking tickets. They are now suing Mr. Brzrszic for refusing to take his identity back.
NOTICE.
THE SCHEDULED PERFORMANCE by Mr. Herbert Herbertson, the noted ventriloquist, featuring Jeremy, the world’s only mute ventriloquist’s dummy, has been postponed indefinitely. Jeremy has come down with laryngitis. The management of Memorial Hall regrets the inconvenience to patrons, and wishes Jeremy a speedy recovery.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: At the retail establishment where I work, the management has decided to switch to a “smooth jazz” format for the piped-in music on the overhead loudspeakers. What is “smooth jazz”? I ask because I am tone-deaf myself, so all I hear is various buzzing noises. —Sincerely, A Team Member.
Dear Sir or Madam: “Smooth jazz” is the result of a Faustian bargain in which jazz musicians sell their immortal souls in return for the privilege of being heard in shopping malls and middlebrow restaurants all over the country. Jazz with the soul thus removed has none of the rough edges and sharp corners normally associated with the genre. Most musicians who are enabled in this way to make a steady living find that they do not miss their souls very much and can do without them quite comfortably.
It is worth noting that “smooth jazz” seems to have been fading in popularity over the last few years. Satanic pacts do generally come with expiration dates, and it is possible that “smooth jazz” musicians are now facing their dark overlord’s inevitable demand for payment. It is possible, also, that you are participating in their agreement with the powers of darkness merely by working in an establishment that plays their music. But you will probably not miss your soul any more than they do, if indeed it has not already been crushed out of you in the normal course of your employment.
Incidentally, your description of the “smooth jazz” you hear as “various buzzing noises” suggests to Dr. Boli that you may not be tone-deaf at all.