Posts by Dr. Boli
STATISTICS.
ACCORDING TO A survey of working lexicographers, the silliest word in the English language is “festoon,” which beat “wriggle” by a margin of nearly eight points.
More than 97% of American children are of above-average intelligence, according to a survey of their parents.
A year-long experiment in the statistics department at Duck Hollow University has at last disproved the hoary old wives’ tale that flipping a penny a million times will yield a result of approximately 50% heads and 50% tails. In the experiment, it was found that 43.1% of the time the penny landed heads up; 43.1% of the time the penny landed tails up; and 13.8% of the time the penny rolled into a storm sewer and was never seen again. Experimenters were pleased with the results, insisting that the newfound knowledge was well worth the experiment’s budget of $1,380.01.
A recent study concluded that 99.43% of ballpoint pens vanish before they run out of ink. Experts believe that the missing pens have been stolen by agents of a hostile foreign government as part of a plot to weaken the American economy.
In an experiment conducted by the staff at Harvey’s Starlite Diner in 2009, it was shown that only 14% of professional statisticians were able to calculate a 15% or 20% tip.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
The emperor Honorius, whose reign was not adequately explained until the current historical theory came into fashion.
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Dear Dr. Boli: I was speaking with an academic of my acquaintance, a professor of history in fact, who told me that the histories written in the nineteenth century and before are all out of date and useless now, because they subscribed to the “Great-Man Theory” of history, which he said is now completely discredited. Is that true? I ask because I was preparing a new edition of a little history of the world in five books that I published some time ago, but if it is of no use to the public I shall not bother to reissue it. —Sincerely, W. Raleigh.
Dear Sir: Your informant is correct in saying that the “Great-Man Theory” of history, which posited that history was largely a record of the deeds of certain “great men” who guided the destinies of nations, has been almost unanimously rejected by academic historians of the current generation. It has been superseded by the “Arrogant-Imbecile Theory,” which assumes that history is largely a record of the gross miscalculations of a series of arrogant imbeciles. This is a theory that was first enunciated by Dr. Boli himself some time ago, but he is a little reluctant to claim it and take his own place in history, given the current academic climate, for which he himself is partly responsible.
OUR VALUED CORRESPONDENTS.
RESPONDING TO AN article over at Flora Pittsburghensis, one of our correspondents speaks very passionately about his subject, becoming rather agitated in fact when he considers the dire consequences we face if we approach the topic from the wrong direction:
This is the topic that I have a serious strong passion about. I believe most people today forget about how important this issue is. I believe the foundation upon which a great many other things are built in case we do this action wrong, there are plenty of dire consequences in your immediate future. Hence, we has to be careful and think about how exactly we want to approach this topic. I thank the author for giving a excellent first try at drawing near it.
Dr. Boli will add only that this passion is the more laudable in our correspondent for having been roused by an article on Arisaema triphyllum, a subject on which few readers manage to have such strong opinions.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1918, Woodrow Wilson set sail for Europe, the first President of the United States to do so while in office. When he arrived in France some time later, it was at last proved to the satisfaction of all but the most skeptical American geographers that “Europe” was a real continent; and the American origin-myths that tell of our ancestors coming from “Europe,” “Africa,” and “Asia” are now widely accepted by academics as having some basis in historical fact.
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THE ONLY CURE for blithering is a good smack on the back of the head, administered by DR. EUPHUES M. CONSTANTINE, Ph.D., Brownsville Road, Carrick. New patients now being accepted. Walk-ins welcome.
USEFUL ENGLISH PHRASES FOR VISITORS FROM FOREIGN LANDS.
No. 4.—At the American Restaurant.
Good morning.
Good afternoon.
Good evening.
My name is Ashley, and I will be your server today.
May I start you off with a beverage?
Yes, Miss Ashley, you may start me off with a beverage.
No, you may not start me off with a beverage, because if I give you a beverage order you will take it and move to Barbados and I shall never see you again.
I am entirely neutral on the question of beverages.
What beverages have you to offer?
We have brown fizzy beverages with sugar, clear fizzy beverages with sugar, and electric-yellow fizzy beverages with sugar. We also have brown fizzy beverages with carcinogenic artificial sweeteners.
Do you serve coffee?
Do you serve tea?
No, we do not serve coffee or tea, because they do not fizz.
We do serve coffee or tea, as long as you do not mind it carbonated.
We used to serve coffee, but the health department confiscated our coffee machine.
I will have a brown fizzy beverage with sugar.
I will have a brown fizzy beverage with carcinogenic artificial sweetener.
I will have nothing to drink, because I am a koala bear.
Shall I bring your beverage now, or are you ready to order?
I am interested in knowing about today’s specials, because I love a bargain.
I am interested in knowing about today’s specials, because the menu says “Ask your server about today’s specials,” and I always follow instructions.
Today we have breaded fried pork chops; breaded fried steak; breaded fried chicken; breaded fried zucchini; breaded fried bread; breaded fried shrimp; breaded fried onions; and poitrine de moulard farcie de girolles et de champignons Nebrodini, risotto de choux fleurs et sa sauce de pignons et huile d’olive, breaded and fried.
We have no specials today, because today is not a very special day.
I will have a hamburger.
I will have a cheeseburger.
I will have a cheeseburger, with ham.
Thank you, and I shall put this order in right away.
Thank you, and I shall put this order in when I am good and ready.
Excuse me, sir, have you seen my server, Miss Ashley?
Miss Ashley had to testify in court, but she should be back soon.
Miss Ashley has moved to Barbados, and you will never see her again.
We have never had a server named “Ashley,” but may I start you off with a beverage?
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Is the English language a baffling conundrum to you? Perhaps you have not been reliably misinformed.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1913, the Ford Motor Company fired up the world’s first moving assembly line. Until that time, workers had had to walk from one station to another at their own pace. With Ford’s innovation, it was no longer necessary for assembly workers to have legs, and employee limb-maintenance costs were instantly cut in half.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: How does a citizen defer his interests and the interests of his group in order to actualize the Common Good? —Sincerely, Rep. Xavier Becerra, Rep. Jim Clyburn, Rep. Chris Van Hollen, Rep. Jeb Hensarling, Rep. Fred Upton, Rep. Dave Camp, Sen. Patty Murray, Sen. Max Baucus, Sen. John Kerry, Sen John Kyl, Sen. Rob Portman, Sen. Pat Toomey.
Honorable Ladies and Gentlemen: Your error, if Dr. Boli may be permitted to be candid with such distinguished correspondents, is in assuming that there is such a thing as a “common good” this side of the celestial Jerusalem. We must pursue the economic prosperity of our country, says one; the love of money is the root of all evil, says another. A rising tide lifts all boats, says one; the poor get poorer while the rich get richer, says another. We cannot even agree on what constitutes “good,” so how can we expect to hold it in common?
Fortunately, where theory fails, practical observation comes through with the goods. History shows us that our country’s most prosperous periods have been the times of complete political gridlock, when nothing can be done in Washington because no agreement can be reached. In these short but golden intervals of inactivity when the process of government simply breaks down, the average citizen prospers. The best way to promote the greatest good of the greatest number, therefore, is to use vilification and slander to stir up perpetual antipathy between parties whose practical beliefs show few discernible differences. This procedure, whether by plan or by instinct, you have already put into practice with commendable enthusiasm, and Dr. Boli has every confidence that the country will soon enter another golden age of contentment and prosperity.
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Have you tried and failed to understand American politics? Misinformation is what you need.