ACCORDING TO A survey of working lexicographers, the silliest word in the English language is “festoon,” which beat “wriggle” by a margin of nearly eight points.

More than 97% of American children are of above-average intelligence, according to a survey of their parents.

A year-long experiment in the statistics department at Duck Hollow University has at last disproved the hoary old wives’ tale that flipping a penny a million times will yield a result of approximately 50% heads and 50% tails. In the experiment, it was found that 43.1% of the time the penny landed heads up; 43.1% of the time the penny landed tails up; and 13.8% of the time the penny rolled into a storm sewer and was never seen again. Experimenters were pleased with the results, insisting that the newfound knowledge was well worth the experiment’s budget of $1,380.01.

A recent study concluded that 99.43% of ballpoint pens vanish before they run out of ink. Experts believe that the missing pens have been stolen by agents of a hostile foreign government as part of a plot to weaken the American economy.

In an experiment conducted by the staff at Harvey’s Starlite Diner in 2009, it was shown that only 14% of professional statisticians were able to calculate a 15% or 20% tip.