Posts by Dr. Boli

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Posted by Dr. Boli on January 28, 2025. 2 comments.

Worrying will kill you. It’s a proven scientific fact, verifiable by just think-ing about it for a moment, that anxiety is the leading cause of death in America today. Anxiety leads to heart disease, stroke, and even suicide—all of which can be fatal. The more you worry, the more you’re in danger of dropping dead in the middle of the street just when your worst enemy is right there to dance over your corpse. You’re wor-rying right now, aren’t you?
But there’s good news! Anxiety can be cured. The wisdom of the ancients, as old as civilization itself, provides the answer. It’s called booze.
Booze works directly on the nervous system to dull sensations and slow down the spiral of anxiety that leads to fatal consequences. Best of all, booze is available with no prescription from a liquor store or school playground near you.
Are you worried about all the worrying you‘ve been doing about your anxiety? Stop the spiral now! Head for your nearest authorized booze dealer and say, “I want some booze!” Fake ID required if under 21.
A public-service message from the Vice Council.

IN CLUB NEWS.

Posted by Dr. Boli on January 27, 2025. No comments.

In spite of repeated protests and even threats of legal action, members of the Daughters of the American Revolution were once again refused admission to the Allegheny Brass Band concert at DFIW Braddock Memorial Hall last night. Security guards referred all questions to Mrs. Effingham, President of the Daughters of the French and Indian War, who said in a prepared statement that she didn’t want a bunch of Janey-come-lately riffraff treading mud through her nice hall, and if they don’t like it they can go back where they came from.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on January 26, 2025. No comments.

How does she know so much about opera all of a sudden? She doesn’t! That’s the secret! But what she does know is how to clip a coupon in a magazine. The International Correspondence Academy of Intelligent Things to Say took it from there.
You don’t have to know everything about every topic. What you do have to know is how to impress people who know as little as you do, but don’t know how little you know. That’s how you get ahead. That’s how you take your place in society.
Each ICAITS course is scientifically designed by lead-ing psychologists and educators, for all you know, with one goal in mind: to put you in command of any situa-tion where you need to look like you know what you’re talking about.
Send for our free sample lesson, “Thirteen Fun Latin Phrases to Use in a Court of Law,” and see for yourself how easy it is to seem to know more than other people.

FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.

Posted by Dr. Boli on January 25, 2025. One comment.

Woman with box of chocolates reading book: “The cherry cordial may be eaten whole, but it is agreed by the best authorities that the hazelnut truffle is to be consumed in three delicate bites.”

POLICE BLOTTER.

Posted by Dr. Boli on January 24, 2025. 2 comments.

Bozar the Clown was arrested again yesterday afternoon, charged with failure to possess a smartphone in a public place. After an hour in the room with the television, Mr. Bozar confessed that he had thrown his smartphone into the Monongahela from the Smithfield Street Bridge, which added two more charges. The magistrate ordered him released on $50 bail on the condition that he would go home and immerse himself in social media on a laptop computer, desktop computer, or tablet until such time as a new smartphone could be procured for him at his own expense. When, however, Mr. Bozar confessed that he did not have any social-media accounts, the release was revoked and four more charges were added.

NOTICE TO CONTRACTORS.

Posted by Dr. Boli on January 23, 2025. No comments.

Office of McClang & Pratt, Architects

Sealed proposals will be received at this office until 2 p.m., February 23, 2025, for the construction of a 30,000-square-foot Museum of Sealed Proposals, to be located on the corner of Fernando Street and Vorhees Way, in accordance with the drawing and specifications, copies of which may be had at this office if our secretary is in a good mood. All bids to be sealed, and the envelope to be doodled on to the best of your artistic ability in a manner suitable for framing. Deliver to McClang & Pratt, who reserve the right to reject any bids whose doodles they consider inadequate.

FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.

Posted by Dr. Boli on January 22, 2025. 3 comments.

Man daydreaming at desk: “Some day I’ll get that promotion. Then I’ll sit at a desk all day, just like now, and I’ll shuffle papers all day, just like now, and I’ll get interrupted by phone calls every five minutes, just like now. But I’ll be wearing a better suit.”

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Posted by Dr. Boli on January 21, 2025. 6 comments.

Looking for a career, not just a job? Make big money in equestrian statues! Every change of governments means big opportunities to immortalize politicians with statues on horseback. Do you have what it takes to start down this lucrative career path? Take our free aptitude test now! Just copy this bronze statue (see figures for scale) and mail it parcel post to the address below. Competent judges will assess your work and tell you whether you qualify to pay for our easy correspondence course. Stowe Township Academy of Equestrian Bronzes and Paperweights.

ORDER OF EVENTS FOR THE INAUGURATION.

Posted by Dr. Boli on January 20, 2025. One comment.

Owing to inclement weather, the inauguration will be held in the old Hecht Company warehouse on New York Avenue.

1. Motorcade to the venue is lost going around Logan Circle for 34 minutes.

2. Motorcade reaches venue; argument about protocol with warehouse security guard.

3. Musical prelude by the East Sioux Falls High School Marching Band.

4. Poem: “I Am Overwhelmed by the Importance of This Occasion,” by incoming Poet Laureate Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle.

5. Musical selection: “No Motherland Without You,” performed by special guests the People’s Revolutionary Glee Club of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

6. Inauguration. (N.B.—In order to avoid bogging down the proceedings with crusty boring ritual, the President-Elect has asked that the Oath of Office be omitted on this occasion.)

7. Silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.

8. Cheeseburgers!

9. Inaugural Ball, featuring the Syrup Tones, Silver Spring’s most famous Guy Lombardo cover band.