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Posted by Dr. Boli on April 16, 2025. 4 comments.

Turn your home equity into long-term debt! It’s easier than you think to turn an asset into a liability with a Home Equity Loan from Steamfitters & Phrenologists Federal Savings Bank. Come talk to one of our loan specialists to learn how you can use the value of your house to finance an extravagant lifestyle now, so you can experience sincere and wholesome repentance later.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on April 11, 2025. No comments.

Now even easier! Great news! The redesigned 1040 form is now even easier, because you can leave the gratuity to us! Just fill out your form as usual, and we’ll automatically add an 18% gratuity to your tax bill for the hard-working IRS employees who have to process these millions of forms.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on April 2, 2025. 2 comments.

“Your education is holding you back, Bob.
“You studied calculus while you were still in high school. You wrote you master’s thesis on Elizabeth Barrett Browning. You speak French, for Pete’s sake. You have a copy of American Scientist on your desk right now.
“But you’re in marketing now, Bob. You can’t afford that kind of stuff anymore. If you’re going to succeed you have to look—and act—just as dumb as the rest of us.
“I’m only saying this because I’m your friend. And because I’m your friend, I’m sharing what worked for me.
“Take this pencil. Fill out that form from the ISNSIP. They’ll make a new man of you—a man people like and trust. A man who thinks like normal people. It’s the only way you’re going to get ahead.”

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 25, 2025. 5 comments.

Learn phrenology by mail. Easy lessons make you an expert in six weeks and qualify you for a career in the Human Devel-opment department of any major cor-poration gullible enough to hire you. First lesson includes head. Subsequent lessons supply materials for each week’s study until you have acquired a complete collection of lumps.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 23, 2025. No comments.

Gluten free! Don’t miss our Lenten special: Till Easter, no extra charge for gluten in any Brenneman’s bread product.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 19, 2025. One comment.

Scotch the Wonder Horse Recognizes the words for “treat,” “apple,” “carrot,” “banana,” and “parsnip” in every major European language.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 16, 2025. 4 comments.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 14, 2025. No comments.

Sophisticated death-ray furniture for today’s exacting mad scientist. Gone are the days when a simple Jacob’s ladder was all the decoration a death ray needed. The aesthetically enlightened mad scientist of today demands exquisite craftsmanship and the very best materials—and Continental delivers.

Model Alpha. Two side-hinged doors and one fold-down gate give access to essential components. Inlaid Brazilian rosewood—an endangered species!—means you don’t have to sacrifice your evil street cred for a superior finish.

Model Beta. Large doors swing completely open to permit anxious fiddling. Ventilated panels permit operation of death rays up to 1,375 kilojolts.

Model Delta. Largest ca-pacity of all our current models—ideal for tradi-tional vacuum-tube death rays. Ventilated doors and gate are a marked improve-ment over the discontinued Model Gamma, and a lib-eral discount is offered to surviving Model Gamma owners.

Don’t see the exact cabinet to suit your work of evil genius? Stop by for a free consultation with our mad cabinetmakers, who will craft a custom death-ray cabinet to your most extravagant specifications.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 11, 2025. One comment.

Have your freckles read before it’s too late! Others may offer advice, but only a board-certified pro-fessional melaninographer is qualified to forecast your des-tiny and assign you to your ideal employment, most suitable mate, compatible neighborhood, and correct toothpaste. If you have freckles, you owe it to yourself and to your community to have your melaninograph cast now. Call the Mid-Atlantic Council of Professional Melaninographers today for a list of practitioners in your area. Then book a consultation and learn what destiny has in store for you. Unsatisfied with your destiny? Ask about special rates from our large selection of partner tattoo artists.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 8, 2025. One comment.

Drink Mittelbräu, the beer for drinkers who like American beer but prefer German labels.