Justify your existence. Millionaire patron is willing to pay living wage to any subject who can justify his or her existence in a 500-word essay. Said millionaire being of the opinion that the human race is a complete washout, the essay will have to be more convincing than the 1,723 such essays he has received so far. Successful applicant will appeal to patron’s better nature, thus proving to patron that he has one, which he doubts. Send essay with $1,000 application fee to Cynical Millionaire care of this Magazine.

Help wanted: Poets needed to work on epic narrative of prominent businessman’s adventures in the packaged-snack-food industry. No experience necessary. On-the-job training provided: earn as you learn. Opportunity for advancement: climb as you rhyme. Competitive pay. We challenge you to find any other poets in the Capital District getting minimum wage. Apply in person to J. Rutherford Pinckney, Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc., Erie Boulevard campus.