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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 23, 2025. No comments.

Gluten free! Don’t miss our Lenten special: Till Easter, no extra charge for gluten in any Brenneman’s bread product.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 19, 2025. One comment.

Scotch the Wonder Horse Recognizes the words for “treat,” “apple,” “carrot,” “banana,” and “parsnip” in every major European language.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 16, 2025. 4 comments.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 14, 2025. No comments.

Sophisticated death-ray furniture for today’s exacting mad scientist. Gone are the days when a simple Jacob’s ladder was all the decoration a death ray needed. The aesthetically enlightened mad scientist of today demands exquisite craftsmanship and the very best materials—and Continental delivers.

Model Alpha. Two side-hinged doors and one fold-down gate give access to essential components. Inlaid Brazilian rosewood—an endangered species!—means you don’t have to sacrifice your evil street cred for a superior finish.

Model Beta. Large doors swing completely open to permit anxious fiddling. Ventilated panels permit operation of death rays up to 1,375 kilojolts.

Model Delta. Largest ca-pacity of all our current models—ideal for tradi-tional vacuum-tube death rays. Ventilated doors and gate are a marked improve-ment over the discontinued Model Gamma, and a lib-eral discount is offered to surviving Model Gamma owners.

Don’t see the exact cabinet to suit your work of evil genius? Stop by for a free consultation with our mad cabinetmakers, who will craft a custom death-ray cabinet to your most extravagant specifications.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 11, 2025. One comment.

Have your freckles read before it’s too late! Others may offer advice, but only a board-certified pro-fessional melaninographer is qualified to forecast your des-tiny and assign you to your ideal employment, most suitable mate, compatible neighborhood, and correct toothpaste. If you have freckles, you owe it to yourself and to your community to have your melaninograph cast now. Call the Mid-Atlantic Council of Professional Melaninographers today for a list of practitioners in your area. Then book a consultation and learn what destiny has in store for you. Unsatisfied with your destiny? Ask about special rates from our large selection of partner tattoo artists.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 8, 2025. One comment.

Drink Mittelbräu, the beer for drinkers who like American beer but prefer German labels.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 6, 2025. One comment.

The Pittock Academy of Esoteric Sciences presents Invoking the Mineral Spirits. A three-day seminar that will put you in touch with your Mineral Guide and teach you the principle of Utter Indifference, so essential to happiness in the modern world. Register now at out Pittock location. Bring your own rock.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on March 4, 2025. One comment.

Trust the names with the longest record in the business. You can have a prosperous tomorrow today. All it takes is a high-yield investment like the Burns & Crater Ultra-Mega-Yield Trust Fund. It’s called a trust fund because it works when you trust us with your investment dollars, and we make reliably obscene profits for you through undisclosed means so clever that even the SEC hasn’t caught up with us yet. Call your local Burns & Crater representative today to discuss which opaque investment opportunity is right for you. And remember, only Burns & Crater can guarantee returns of at least 37% per annum, based on a proven track record more than eight months long. Burns & Carter, the most trusted names in Ponzi schemes.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on January 28, 2025. 2 comments.

Worrying will kill you. It’s a proven scientific fact, verifiable by just think-ing about it for a moment, that anxiety is the leading cause of death in America today. Anxiety leads to heart disease, stroke, and even suicide—all of which can be fatal. The more you worry, the more you’re in danger of dropping dead in the middle of the street just when your worst enemy is right there to dance over your corpse. You’re wor-rying right now, aren’t you?
But there’s good news! Anxiety can be cured. The wisdom of the ancients, as old as civilization itself, provides the answer. It’s called booze.
Booze works directly on the nervous system to dull sensations and slow down the spiral of anxiety that leads to fatal consequences. Best of all, booze is available with no prescription from a liquor store or school playground near you.
Are you worried about all the worrying you‘ve been doing about your anxiety? Stop the spiral now! Head for your nearest authorized booze dealer and say, “I want some booze!” Fake ID required if under 21.
A public-service message from the Vice Council.

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Posted by Dr. Boli on January 26, 2025. No comments.

How does she know so much about opera all of a sudden? She doesn’t! That’s the secret! But what she does know is how to clip a coupon in a magazine. The International Correspondence Academy of Intelligent Things to Say took it from there.
You don’t have to know everything about every topic. What you do have to know is how to impress people who know as little as you do, but don’t know how little you know. That’s how you get ahead. That’s how you take your place in society.
Each ICAITS course is scientifically designed by lead-ing psychologists and educators, for all you know, with one goal in mind: to put you in command of any situa-tion where you need to look like you know what you’re talking about.
Send for our free sample lesson, “Thirteen Fun Latin Phrases to Use in a Court of Law,” and see for yourself how easy it is to seem to know more than other people.