Thanksgiving is here, and Christmas is just around the corner! Now’s the time to take the whole family to Reliance Appliance in Defiance, Penna., to shop our huge selection of invaluable kitchen appliances and gadgets. They make perfect gifts for someone you know who doesn’t like cooking very much!

Electric Artichoke Dipper. Precision dipping of artichoke bracts in herbed butter, mayonnaise, etc. Fully configurable depth and duration.

Automatic Automatic Dishwasher Washer. Run your automatic dishwasher through the automatic automatic dishwasher washer after every load to remove built-up grease, sediment, coyotes, etc., that can reduce the efficiency of your appliance. Buy now and get 50% off when you pre-order our new automatic automatic automatic dishwasher washer washer.

Grape Launcher. If you need to move grapes from one side of the kitchen to the other, why not make it an event?

Warhol Trap. Pop artists and other vermin lurk in your kitchen, attracted by the colorful packaging of manufactured foodstuffs. Trap them harmlessly for later release in your neighbor’s kitchen. Not your problem anymore!

Thousand-Year Egg Timer. Guaranteed accurate or your distant descendants of the three hundredth generation can return it for a refund.

Avocado Disposal. Don’t wait for avocados to turn into shriveled lumps of mold! Place them in the avocado disposal as soon as they come home from the store and watch them vanish from your life.

Refrigerator Magnetizer. Why spend a fortune on individually magnetized refrigerator decorations? Powerful electric currents turn your whole refrigerator into a giant magnet, so that any iron-based material will be irresistibly attracted to it. Proudly display your children’s metal sculptures, bicycles, leg braces, etc., where the whole family can see them!

Wanted: Experimental subjects for a new study of human gullibility. Participants will receive payment of $19.3 million at completion, plus a date with celebrity of subject’s choice. Apply in person to Duck Hollow University, Economics Department, and bring bank-account information so that payment can be deposited directly. You will need your Social Security number for positive identification.