Annual Christmas Number.

Fruitcake.—In a three-day study conducted by scientists at the Institute for Culinary Amelioration, more than 78% of participants reported that fruitcake was greatly improved by rum. The results were so encouraging that, for next year’s study, the ICA scientists plan to try adding the rum to the fruitcake.

Julbocken.—In Sweden, Norway, and Denmark, Father Christmas traditionally arrives on a Yule goat or Julbocken. In the Faeroe Islands, for reasons lost in the mists of the mythological past, he arrives on a Soemmerring’s gazelle (Nanger soemmerringii).

Père Noël.—In Quebec, on Christmas day, the children of the household invite Père Noël to come in and join them in throwing marshmallows at the screen while they watch the king’s Royal Christmas Message.

Pudding.—In Ireland, the traditional Christmas pudding is brought to the table flaming. Dinner guests watch as the pudding burns to ash, after which there is a round of cheers and the guests devour the foil-wrapped chocolates they received on Christmas morning.

St. Nikolaus.—In Liechtenstein, children leave their boots in front of the door for St. Nikolaus on Christmas Eve, and when they wake up Christmas morning, the boots are neatly polished.

A few days ago, our friend Father Pitt published this picture of a small commercial building in Mount Oliver, which is a borough in Pittsburgh, in the sense that you cannot go in any direction from Mount Oliver without going through Pittsburgh, but it is not technically under the government of Pittsburgh, or at least half of it is not, but the other half is, which is why there is a city neighborhood called Mount Oliver as well, but this building is in the independent borough. Life in Allegheny County is complicated. At any rate, this is the picture:

Now, Father Pitt thought this building was interesting for its layers of architectural history, and it may well be. But what caught Dr. Boli’s attention was the wide range of services offered by the current tenant of the ground-floor storefront.

The sign is a little hard to interpret for the uninitiated, and Dr. Boli must count himself among the uninitiated. Why, for example, do people have their eyes waxed? It seems that people are willing to pay $12 for the privilege of having their eyes waxed—and that is just the starting price for brown eyes. We assume it is more expensive for blue or green or hazel eyes.

And then, when a man gets an express gel, what is he getting? Is it some sort of exceptionally thick Italian coffee? If so, why is the price specific to men? How much would a woman have to pay for the same thing? And once you have had too much of the thick Italian coffee, are you then “fullest with gels”?

Some of these services seem very involved, but that is probably the reason for the “+” after so many of the prices: you must take the stated price and then add to it some quantity so huge as to be unprintable. For example, it must cost a fair amount to have your organic mani pedi gels dip ombre 3Ds acrylic solar design waxed. In fact, no price is listed for that service at all, implying that, in the words of the old adage, if you have to ask, you are probably in the wrong establishment.

Signs like these are the things that keep Dr. Boli up at night. But for tonight he has decided to go to sleep anyway and let his readers interpret this sign in particular. What do you think the various services are, and how are they different from the services offered by that nice Mr. Torquemada during the Spanish Inquisition and Full-Service Nail Spa?

Dear Dr. Boli: Sometimes someone says something, like, really stupid, and I really want to make some sarcastic remark. But then I think I should wait till I cool off before I say something I’ll be sorry for. Am I right to wait? —Sincerely, Katie, Age 34.

Dear Miss: No; you must strike while the irony’s hot.

Howdy, happy chefs! We’ve got great news for you! Your friends at Howdy Helpings^® brand Home-Cooked Meal Kits, the Meal Kit with Everything Included, have been listening to our customers! A number of you fine folks have mentioned in correspondence or other places that everything isn’t really included, because where’s the water? Good point! So now, in every recipe that calls for water, we’ll be including a packet of freeze-dried instant water with your meal kit! Just add ordinary home tap water according to the packet directions to make up the requisite amount! And for all you rocket scientists out there who are saying “How stupid do they think we are?” right now, well, sorry, but according to Google reviews you don’t seem to be our target demographic, so just throw the empty packet away and go back to your slide rules.

From the Startpage search engine. Reproduced for the purpose of commentary and mocking and fair-usey things like those.

Salsify (verb).—To make into salsa. “We have a lot of tomatillos left over from the garden. We might as well salsify them.”

Dear Dr. Boli: Why are stupid people so angry all the time? Honestly, it just makes me want to punch them. —Sincerely, Spud, the bouncer at Krzrnski’s Cafe.

Dear Sir: Stupid people are angry because they believe, incorrectly of course, that they are more intelligent than the people around them, and that the world is in the mess it is in (stupid people are always convinced that the world is in a mess) because other people are too stupid to see the trivially obvious solutions to all our problems. The stupidity of other people is an inconvenience to people of obviously superior intelligence, such as you, but since the others are too stupid to see their own stupidity, they lash out in rage and sometimes violence against the people whom they perceive as being stupidly responsible for all the annoyances of their lives.

What can be done about it? The only solution would be to make the people around you less stupid. Start by teaching them to read Latin at least at the Caesar’s Commentaries level. Dr. Boli takes it for granted that a person of your obvious intelligence would have no trouble passing on some of his skills to the benighted mob surrounding him, and then the world would be in less of a mess, wouldn’t it?

The Internet Archive has been taken off line for days by a hacker attack. This is a useful reminder to the rest of us to tighten our security on all our devices.

1. Always make sure your software is up to date by turning on automatic updates. This gives North Korean hackers a chance to compromise your computer or phone by hijacking the update process, and it is considered sporting to give hackers a fair shot.

2. Keep a hatchet or axe next to your device at all times for use in case of emergency.

3. Avoid elementary security mistakes. The most elementary mistake you can make in managing any device is to connect it to the Internet, and yet an estimated 100% of Internet users have made that very blunder.

4. Print out a list of all your usernames and passwords and register it with the U. S. Copyright Office. Then it will be illegal for hackers to steal your login credentials.

5. Make sure you have something plugged into every open port on your computer or phone, including the headphone jack. Hackers often access your data through “security holes,” but you can thwart them if there are no holes.

6. Always take advantage of two-factor authentication, in which you must respond to a text message on your phone in order to access a password-protected site. That way a hacker cannot breach your security unless you lose your phone, which never happens.

7. Keep your phone and computer in a lead-lined bag. Place the lead-lined bag in a lead-lined safe. Ask a random stranger to change the combination on the safe without telling you the new combination, and then kill the random stranger. Now you are secure until the next burglar with a scrap of ambition notices that you have a large safe sitting around and wonders what’s inside it.