A Vaudeville Patter.

The pit orchestra plays a lively melody, but the performer must recite everything in a dour monotone.

I’m the funniest man you know.
I’m a regular one-man show,
Cause I put ’em in stitches wherever I go.
I’m the funniest man you know.

(Music stops.)

Why did the chicken cross the road? Cause chickens are stupid, that’s why!

(Music resumes.)

I’m the funniest man in town.
Why, they simply can’t keep me down.
Say, at every swell party, I’m always the clown.
I’m the funniest man in town.

(Music stops.)

You know, my dog has no nose. How does he smell? I can’t figure it out!

(Music resumes.)

I’m the funniest man on earth.
I’ve been killin’ ’em dead since birth,
And my ma always said, for whatever it’s worth,
I’m the funniest man on earth.

(Music stops.)

What’s black and white and red all over? I’m askin’ cause it’s crawlin’ up my arm.

(Jazzy instrumental rideout chorus, during which the theater manager wrestles the performer off the stage.)