The Big Problem. The very existence of the entire universe is threatened by an evil so omnipotent, so pervasive, and so grimly set on apocalyptic destruction that only a man with a pretty good knowledge of Chinese martial arts can stop it. Starring Theodore Naphtha as the Lucky Dragon and Anthony Quagga as Evil.

Dear Mr. Flounder: I have been thinking of a change of professions, since there seems to be little future in my current career track. Have you any advice to help me sort out the many possible directions for a man in my position? —Sincerely, Charles, Prince of Wales.

Dear Sir: It is always wise to place life-changing decisions in the hands of the spirits. Their direction is always reliable, though metaphorical. In this case the spirits sent me a vision very promptly. I saw a route 91 Butler Street bus outside the Wood Street subway station, and the driver of the bus was an emu. Another emu was trying to board the bus, but the driver emu insisted that no one could board without a proper rutabaga. The passenger emu offered a turnip, but the driver emu turned up his beak and drove off. Then a vendor cart rolled up the street selling rutabagas, and the passenger emu told the vendor, “Fat lot of good that does me now, I just missed my bus.”

Of course this vision requires some interpretation in order to apply it properly to your situation. After some thought, I have concluded that you ought to go into some line of trade involving the letters E-M-U, such as emulators or emulsifiers.

L.C.I.S.: West Newton.—The new spinoff that follows the all-new adventures of an all-new Library Criminal Investigative Service crew in the crime-ridden back stacks of the West Newton library system. Tonight: In a special crossover episode, characters from the original series meet their West Newton counterparts and compare tragic backstories.

All for the Love of Diana. Dramatization of the true story of Albert Cardoon, whose dramatic fall from powerful state representative to member of Grant Borough council followed accusations of corruption involving a musical superstar. Starring Anthony Quagga as Albert Cardoon, Dame Wilhelmina Frimp as the Speaker of the House, Miss Diana Smoulder as herself in stock footage, and Theodore Naphtha as Miss Smoulder’s hurdy-gurdy.

The Alan Sundry Show, featuring Alan Sundry and his very special guests:

Vice-President Harris talks about that time somebody recognized her on the street.

Rollo, the Calculating Poodle, prepares Alan’s quarterly estimated tax payment.

Bozar the Clown, appearing on Zoom from an undisclosed location, makes popovers in the shape of the Temple of Vesta.

Teenie Sparkle, host of the popular children’s program Sparkle Park, tells Alan what she really thinks of those sniveling brats.

Enoch Witherburton and His Not Labeled for Individual Sale Orchestra play the Century III Chevrolet jingle.

Tune in tonight: 8 p.m., or 9:26 p.m. Central, because deliveries are slow these days.