HOW MANY WORDS DID YOU AGREE TO?

To make a donation to the Document Foundation, which develops LibreOffice: 26,554 words. For the privilege of making a charitable donation, you must agree to terms and conditions that add up to more than three times the text of the entire United States Constitution, with all the amendments and the attestations.

It is almost enough to make one feel uncharitable.

We mentioned earlier that Firefox has kept its user agreement down to manageable levels. Here is an interesting question. Compared to Edge or Chrome, has Firefox suffered any worse legal troubles? For a graduate student in sociology, it would be a fascinating study: in similar products or services, how is the number of words in the terms and conditions correlated with the number of legal problems the product or service has faced?

Dr. Boli has a prediction—a hypothesis that could be tested by our equally hypothetical graduate student. The prediction is that no correlation will be found between the length of the terms and conditions and the immunity from unpleasant legal difficulties: that the multiplication of legalistic verbiage creates no measurable reduction in legal liability. But he is willing to be proved wrong by anyone who will take the trouble to prove him wrong. Note that “it stands to reason” will not be accepted as proof. “It stands to reason” is a style of argument reserved for Dr. Boli himself.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

Sir: As a parent, I have a duty to speak out when I see that my child is not getting the attention she requires. I have discovered that our schools are organized on a false assumption, and since I have been unable to get through the thick layers of administration to someone who would listen to reason, I am forced to turn to your publication to reach the public at large, who are the ultimate authorities in all matters that concern the public at large.

My daughter Rumelia goes to Blandville Elementary, where she is treated as an average school student. But she is not average. My daughter is far above average. She is exceptional, and she needs a school that recognizes her exceptionality. Yet she was not placed in one of the programs for the “gifted,” and I have determined by constant and ruthless inquiry that the number of students so placed in our city schools is very small in proportion to the general population.

However, I have made a survey of parents in my neighborhood, as well as at social events, grocery stores, hookah bars, monster-truck rallies, and axe-throwing establishments, and I have found that almost without exception their children are exceptional. My estimate, based on my weeks of research, is that fewer than ten per cent of children are below average. And that is a generous estimate, since the only parent I spoke to who actually claimed to have a below-average child was Mamie Robinson, who said her son Tad was a bit dim, and I have to agree with her there, because all that kid ever does is sit around and read books all day, and how is he ever going to learn anything that way? But all the other parents I talked to said their kids were above average, and even allowing some margin for error, that’s still got to be nine out of ten kids.

So it is time our school board woke up and faced the fact every parent knows: the average child is above average. Children who are average or below are a small and pitiable minority.

You can see, therefore, the necessity of changing the entire basis of our educational system. Schools should be designed to accommodate the great above-average majority. A few dollars can be set aside for a facility for the average kids, but every child should be assumed gifted until proved otherwise by solid evidence, such as book-reading. The ordinary school program, which will be designed for gifted students, will focus on reinforcing in the students the idea that they are special and deserving. Occasionally one of the students from the school for the average can be brought in as an exhibit for them to sneer at, which should be effective in helping them learn to be special.

But none of this will happen unless we, the parents, wrest control from an apathetic and inflexible school board. That is why I have organized a march to the city Board of Education Building beginning Tuesday at 10 a.m. We will assemble at McCarmody’s Axe Bar on Bland Street, where each participant will be issued a torch or pitchfork, and then the Board will be made to feel the wrath of the multitude. The above-average majority will be oppressed no longer.

Sincerely,
Rumelia’s Mom,
Blandville

UNUSUAL BIRDS AND THEIR BEHAVIORS.

The Radiant Thornbill can imitate up to forty-five different square-dance calls.

The Tufted Barhop has the shortest regular migration recorded in the avian world, migrating an average of eighteen feet. Its breeding grounds are upstairs from its wintering grounds at Tadsby’s Tavern.

A nesting pair of Sank’s Ochre-Throated Twits will not build a nest until they have “purchased” a “site” from a third Sank’s Ochre-Throated Twit by means of a ritualized real-estate dance.

The male Tarpit Drosshandler advertises for a mate in the personals section of the nearest daily newspaper of general circulation. The decline of printed newspapers has placed the Tarpit Drosshandler on the IUCN Red List.

The New Philadelphia Crow is known to manufacture simple tools with which it vandalizes the automobiles of prying ornithologists.

IN THE NEWS.

Tragedy struck the gaming world Tuesday night when six players of a tabletop science-fiction military-strategy game were killed at the Dragon’s Den Game Grange on Bland Street. According to preliminary reports from city engineers, the building was not so constructed as to handle the weight of the 187,024-page rule book the players were attempting to consult to resolve a dispute over whether a deciduous tree counted as ½ cover or ¼ cover if the game was set in late autumn. Family members have announced that funeral games will be held in the Consolidated Lead Brick Manufacturing Company warehouse in Chateau, whose floors are rated for a load of 1,850 pounds per square foot.

SCENES FROM ANCIENT GREEK MYTHOLOGY.

Furies leaving vendor’s stall with purchases

No. 2.—Two Furies buy discounted designer fashions from a street vendor, unaware that the clothes are cheap knockoffs with counterfeit labels—a transaction the vendor will come to regret.