From: The President
To: All Employees
Re: 996
All of us here at the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc., have been worrying about the future lately. Some of those worries, I must candidly admit, have come from decisions that, while they seemed eminently reasonable at the time, were not as profitable as your executive team had hoped. You have doubtless guessed that I am referring in particular to our ill-fated venture in the Orient. We were very excited to be introducing our first line of processed snack foods specifically made for that market, and our Chinese manufacturing partners had set up a production line that was a model of efficiency. Yet for some reason our Flute Fries brand tubular potato snacks were not a success in the East Asian market, and we were forced to write the whole project off as a loss.
Still, as my father always used to say to my mother whenever he looked in my direction, every clod has a silver lining. We were impressed by the work ethic of our Chinese partners, and when we asked them about it, they explained that it was a management principle that’s becoming very popular in China. It’s called 996. The way it works is this: you work from nine to nine six days a week. That’s all there is to it! Simple, isn’t it? But think of all the work you can get done with all those extra hours!
Now, as I’ve been talking enthusiastically about this new idea with people here and there in the company, some of them have brought up some very good questions, like “Is this legal under the Thirteenth Amendment?” Good question! In answer, I want to make it clear that, as we implement this new program here in Schenectady, it will be strictly voluntary. No one will be forced to work the new schedule. You can choose to be first in line for promotions and pay raises, or you can choose to be first in line for the next round of layoffs. It’s completely up to you!
Another question somebody asked was, “Will I be paid overtime?” In answer, I want to assure you that our overtime policies have not changed. All hourly employees will be paid overtime for any extra hours worked. Salaried employees, of course, will continue to receive their regular salaries. And in a related bit of good news, it is my pleasure to announce that all hourly employees have been upgraded to salaried status backdated to the beginning of the year! If you have already been paid overtime at any point this year, you may refund it by check at the Human Resources front desk.
Another question that came up was a very good one: “Will the executives be working on the 996 system?” Yes! I’m already doing better than that, in fact. I have been in my office twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, since my wife changed the locks on our house.
Finally, we think we have made an improvement on the Chinese plan. One employee objected that the 996 Plan did not leave much time to do anything at home after work, and we could see the wisdom of his objection. So we have decided to move the starting time forward by three hours. Beginning Monday, we will be voluntarily working on the 666 Plan. Isn’t this exciting?
With Warmest Regards,
J. Rutherford Pinckney,
President
