MRS. CHESWICK’S EDUCATIONAL STORIES FOR CHILDREN

No. 348.—The Speke’s Pectinator.

Once upon a time there was a Speke’s Pectinator who lived near the town of Holhol in Djibouti. Now, you’ve probably heard all kinds of stories about Speke’s Pectinators before, because you’re just the kind of boys and girls who like to trip up a poor old lady who’s just trying to make a few extra bucks on the Internet by telling educational stories, and you’re going to write in the comments about all the things I got wrong about Speke’s Pectinators, but I don’t think so, not this time, because I looked them up in Wikipedia. So this Speke’s Pectinator was wandering through the shrubby shrublands of Djibouti when he met a Pelzeln’s Gazelle. And the Pelzeln’s Gazelle said to him, “Oh, please, could you pectinate for me? Because I’ve never seen anybody pectinate before, and it would just about make my day.” But the Speke’s Pectinator said, “No can do, because I don’t pectinate for just anybody, you know.” And the Speke’s Pectinator continued on his way, and he met a Grevy’s Zebra. And the Grevy’s Zebra said to him, “Say, would you pectinate for me? I’ve heard a lot about it, but I’ve never actually witnessed a live performance, so to speak, and it’s my birthday next week.” But the Speke’s Pectinator said, “Not this time, buster, because I don’t pectinate for just anybody.” And the Speke’s Pectinator kept walking, and he came to a Ferruginous Duck. And the Ferruginous Duck said, “Hey, you must be a Speke’s Pectinator, and I could use some pectin for my guava jelly. Would you pectinate for me?” But the Speke’s Pectinator said, “Amscray, bird, I’m tired of everybody asking me that.” And I could go on like this, but I think you all get the point, and it turns out the Speke’s Pectinator never did pectinate at all. Now, isn’t that a shame? But it just goes to show you. This story teaches us a good lesson, which is that you can’t make assumptions based on people’s appearance. Like everybody thought my uncle Stu looked like a fireman, but the one time our house caught fire Uncle Stu was the first one out and he didn’t come back until Aunt Emma went down to Krzrnski’s Cafe and dragged him off the barstool and made him call the insurance company. And that’s the lesson we learn. Next time we’ll hear the story of the Patagonian Mara who lived in Duluth, and I’ll bet I get comments about that one. Till then this is your old friend Mrs. Cheswick saying clean up your room, and that should make people stop saying I’m a bad influence on kids, shouldn’t it?

COMMERCIAL BEAUTY.

La Récompense de Constance

An illustration from a 1921 advertisement for Djer-Kiss face powders, talcs, soaps, etc.

Before you came to this blissful refuge, where advertisements stay in one place and are not allowed to dance around your screen and cover up what you intended to read, you were probably subjected to a visual cacophony of moving pictures. That sort of animated clutter is not allowed here. Out of our unbounded faith in the virtues of capitalism, we do allow certain commercial enterprises occasional space in our Magazine; but they must abide by certain strict rules. In particular, Dr. Boli never allows a display advertisement to use type he has not designed himself. There are standards to be upheld.

You will find but few other places in the World Wide Web where such standards prevail. If there is advertising at all, it is usually either unpardonably annoying or ignorably bland.

Imagine yourself living in a world, then, where this could be written and taken seriously:

At present, the bulk of professional drawing in this country goes to advertise our wares—a state of things which cynics enjoy. The offset is that while we are undoubtedly cheapening art by putting it to “base uses,” we are at the same time giving an almost compensating charm to our commercialism, and are making sure that artists can live—at least on a par with other professions. An exhibit of advertising “originals,” without their propaganda for this or that talcum or talking machine, is a really excellent art collection. The worker has his own standards of excellence, not altogether for sale; and meantime, the good by-product of better advertising is a training of the public taste in art. (“Drawing” in Book I, Education, of The Volume Library, 1931.)

Yes, it was possible to say that in 1931 and neither laugh nor be laughed at.

Now think of our advertising here in the middle 2020s, and ask this one probing question: Does it work?

Undoubtedly some of it does. But to limit ourselves to the Internet for the moment, what is the most usual reaction to an advertisement? When a panel advertising Malt-O-Cod suddenly pops up over the thing you were reading, do you give it your undivided attention? Do you think, “Ho, good, here comes something beautiful and well-executed by an artist whose work will improve my taste if I devote some serious study to it”? No; you do what it takes to make it disappear, often without even knowing what it was advertising.

But suppose it began to be well known that most, or at least many, of these advertisements were works of art by artists who deserved our praise and attention. What would be the result? We would look forward to the advertisements. We would see them coming and rejoice. We would give them our attention and even notice what they advertised. We would buy Malt-O-Cod.

This seems to have been the theory of the advertisers of the first half of the twentieth century. To a large extent, furthermore, it seems to have been correct. People did remember those advertisements and the products they advertised.

So what can we do? Nothing individually, but together we can do everything. Pledge yourself now to make your buying decisions on the basis of one question: which of the companies I am considering supports beauty?

Marketers themselves may be immune to beauty. They may consider the artistic sense an unfortunate curse and take drugs to suppress it. But they are mesmerised by numbers. If we show them that beauty sells, then they will give us beauty, because beauty will cause large numbers to dance in their spreadsheets and activate the reward centers of their brains. It is easy to make the pledge, because it seldom deprives us of anything worthwhile: when we are choosing between two detergents or toothpastes, it is usually true that they both work perfectly well. We can make our choice as whimsically as we like. Start making your choices on the basis of beauty, and see how quickly the marketers start shoveling great steaming heaps of beauty in our direction.

Advertisement.

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ASK DR. BOLI.

Remembering snack cakes past.


Dear Dr. Boli: My French teacher keeps going on about Proust till I just want to strangle her. But one of the things she keeps talking about is madeleines, which seem to be some kind of thing French people eat while they’re sitting around being French, and I started to wonder what they are. I could go to a French bakery and find out, but they might start speaking French, and if I have to hear another word of French after listening to Mrs. Costello butcher the language in third period it will just about kill me. So I thought I’d ask you: What are madeleines? —Sincerely, Olivia, Bored Out of Her Mind in Mrs. Costello’s Third-Period French Class.

Dear Miss: Madeleines are Hostess Twinkies stamped in a cockleshell mold, and with the filling removed. French people find them very evocative. They bring back old memories of things past, in the same way that, for Americans, unaltered Hostess Twinkies bring back memories of metal lunchboxes and food fights in the elementary-school cafeteria.

EYE-WAXING AND OTHER SERVICES.

A few days ago, our friend Father Pitt published this picture of a small commercial building in Mount Oliver, which is a borough in Pittsburgh, in the sense that you cannot go in any direction from Mount Oliver without going through Pittsburgh, but it is not technically under the government of Pittsburgh, or at least half of it is not, but the other half is, which is why there is a city neighborhood called Mount Oliver as well, but this building is in the independent borough. Life in Allegheny County is complicated. At any rate, this is the picture:

149 Brownsville Road

Now, Father Pitt thought this building was interesting for its layers of architectural history, and it may well be. But what caught Dr. Boli’s attention was the wide range of services offered by the current tenant of the ground-floor storefront.

The sign is a little hard to interpret for the uninitiated, and Dr. Boli must count himself among the uninitiated. Why, for example, do people have their eyes waxed? It seems that people are willing to pay $12 for the privilege of having their eyes waxed—and that is just the starting price for brown eyes. We assume it is more expensive for blue or green or hazel eyes.

And then, when a man gets an express gel, what is he getting? Is it some sort of exceptionally thick Italian coffee? If so, why is the price specific to men? How much would a woman have to pay for the same thing? And once you have had too much of the thick Italian coffee, are you then “fullest with gels”?

Some of these services seem very involved, but that is probably the reason for the “+” after so many of the prices: you must take the stated price and then add to it some quantity so huge as to be unprintable. For example, it must cost a fair amount to have your organic mani pedi gels dip ombre 3Ds acrylic solar design waxed. In fact, no price is listed for that service at all, implying that, in the words of the old adage, if you have to ask, you are probably in the wrong establishment.

Signs like these are the things that keep Dr. Boli up at night. But for tonight he has decided to go to sleep anyway and let his readers interpret this sign in particular. What do you think the various services are, and how are they different from the services offered by that nice Mr. Torquemada during the Spanish Inquisition and Full-Service Nail Spa?