COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.

The Lincoln Place Civil War Reenactment Society will be reenacting the Congolese civil war this Saturday from 1:00 to 3:30 p.m. Members of the public are earnestly invited to the festivities, as we have not yet rounded up enough people to represent even a tenth of the different factions. Bob Krantz, who was scheduled to reenact the Coalition Congolaise pour le Changement Radical et la Démocratie, will not be able to perform in the reenactment because his wife has decided it is stupid, so he he has asked us to solicit volunteers to act as substitutes.

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CORRECTION.

We apologize for the error on page 4 of the advertising circular from your neighborhood Food Festival supermarket. It was meant to read Artisan Sourdough, not Artesian Sourdough. Owing to scheduled vacations, the circular has once again been placed in the hands of our loyal but intellectually limited Herbert “Herb” Herbertson for the past two weeks, and these things happen when Herb is in charge. We should especially like to thank all the customers who took time out of their busy days to inform the management that our sourdough bread did not rise to the surface of their shopping carts under its own pressure. We honestly had no idea that so many of you were so well educated in hydrostatics, which makes us frankly wonder what you have been doing with your time. This week’s puns were almost as amusing as the ones last week about “naval oranges” and “army grapefruits.” We apologize for that error, too. As always, we look forward to serving our customers every day, though there are some days when our smiling optimism takes more effort to maintain.

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PRODUCT RECALL.

It used to be that childhood was an age of wonder, a time of fun and experimentation, when children explored the world and learned by doing, not just by reading a book or watching a YouTube video. But now some pasty-faced glasses-wearing goober at the FTC says we have to use squishy plastic axes in our Byron brand Family Backyard Axe-Throwing Fun Set. So, yeah, bring your set in and we’ll replace the axes, and then when your kids all grow up to be wusses don’t come crying to us. Byron Toys, Donora.

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ASK DR. BOLI.

In response to our advice on proper salutations in letters to recipients of unknown gender, our frequent correspondent “tom” asks,

Well what about that “Dear” business? Why should every schlub (so to speak) be entitled to be called “dear,” just as if he/she/it was worth more than the price of a postage stamp.

To this question “Mrs Bat” replied,

Have you seen the price of postage stamps lately? They’ve become rather Dear indeed!

It is, however, still true, in spite of rising prices, that the time and labor involved in composing and sending a letter is worth more than the stamp on the envelope. Recipients of your letters are therefore presumed to be dear to you, because if they were not you would not have made the effort to send the letters.

A corollary to this principle is that letters created by assigning an AI bot to spew out the text of the letter do not properly use the salutation Dear. Letters composed by AI properly use the salutation, “Hey, [name of recipient]!” If you do not think that sounds impressive enough, doubtless your bot pal can suggest something frightfully clever that will fool the uninitiated into thinking you put some thought into it.

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ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: When I was in high school, which happened in a different millennium, our English teacher taught us that the proper salutation for a business letter addressed to a party of unknown gender was Dear Sir or Madam. But that seems a bit limiting in our modern world, and I was wondering whether you knew what the proper up-to-date salutation for such a letter would be. —Sincerely, Mrs. Clank, English teacher at Blandville High.

Dear Madam: You are correct that the old salutation is no longer adequate. The correct up-to-date salutation for a business letter addressed to a recipient of unknown gender is Dear Sir or Madam or Whatever.

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