To: Principalities and Powers
From: The CEO
Re: Increasing Production
First of all, let me congratulate everybody on another banner year for Evil up there on earth. Every one of you truly gave 110%, and you all helped make last year extra special. Big hugs for everyone, and you can all expect nice commemorative novelty mugs when the interoffice mail comes around.
Now, I don’t want to sound like a party pooper, but we do face a number of serious challenges in the fiscal year ahead. Lent, Yom Kippur, and Ramadan all took big chunks out of our production last year, so we need to be ready to meet those slack times this year with a cheerful redoubling of our efforts.
I hope I don’t sound too negative when I say that we really weren’t very clever last year. All we could come up with for Ramadan, for example, was a few mediocre bombings and massacres. Hardly inspiring stuff. I want us to be more creative this year. Let’s think outside the box for once.
So I’ve got good news for everybody. It’s time for an incentive program! Whoever comes up with the best idea for undermining these three disgusting orgies of repentance will win a free trip to the Lake of Fire. All expenses paid! It’ll make a nice change from the Pit of Fire, won’t it? The rest of you will be tortured in the usual manner for failing.
So put on your thinking caps and get to work! Let’s make this the year we bury repentance once and for all! Let’s teach the world to be proud of its evil ways! And then let’s get ready for a big party to welcome millions of new Team Members.