IF YOU GO.

TRAVEL TO THE Tsogivari Republic is generally safe and without incident. As always, however, common-sense precautions should be taken, and travelers should be aware of their surroundings.

In general, the Tsogivari are a friendly people, but it is still inadvisable to discuss dumplings with new acquaintances. The Dumpling Wars of the 1990s are still fresh in many memories, and you may unintentionally reopen old wounds.

The ordinary traveler is not generally advised to attempt learning the Tsogivari language. Even learning the words for simple objects can be problematic. There are twenty-three cases of nouns in Tsogivari (more on Sundays and holidays), and, of the six hundred thousand nouns in the Tsogivari language, only thirty-two belong to one of the thirteen regular declensions. The others are all irregular and must be learned by heart if serious embarrassment is to be avoided. Most Tsogivari have given up trying to learn their own language and communicate by pointing at things.

The Tsogivari have a deep-seated fear of monorails, and any references to such a mode of transportation should be made only in veiled euphemisms.

An ongoing insurgency by Unitarian fundamentalists has made travel inadvisable in the southwestern province of Lower Tschrkonia. If you must travel in that region, wear natural fibers in order to avoid offending local sensibilities.

Ennui, depression, melancholia, and similar diseases are endemic throughout the Tsogivari Republic. Travelers have the right to free medical care under the Tsogivari national health system, but may be asked to contribute a small sum to help defray the cost of leeches.