Dear Dr. Boli: In my job it is often necessary to keep alert for long periods of time, but very difficult to do so. Is there a safe homeopathic stimulant or antidote to drowsiness that I could take without worrying about side effects? —Sincerely, A United States Senator.
Dear Sir or Madam: As he has mentioned before, Dr. Boli is not a doctor of homeopathy. He prefers not to defy the laws of chemistry and physics unless it is absolutely necessary for the preservation of liberty, and then to confine his protest to single acts of civil disobedience rather than to adopt the life of an outlaw. Nevertheless, he has forwarded your question to several well-known homeopaths who asked not to be identified. This is their response.
As homeopathy operates by the principle that whatever causes a symptom in measurable amounts will cure the same in infinitesimal amounts, the best homeopathic remedy for drowsiness is a 13C dilution of Turkey in combination with a 15C dilution of Stuffing. Once again, Dr. Boli’s correspondents caution you not to attempt to manufacture this dilution yourself, as you would be tampering with demonic forces that only trained homeopaths can safely control. They also caution you that even such a powerful homeopathic remedy may not be effective in the notoriously soporific Senate chamber, for which reason they suggested that you might direct one member of your staff to come around and slap you awake or douse you with cold water at certain intervals. They had other suggestions as well, which Dr. Boli omits as unbecoming the pen of a patriotic American.