Board of Zoning Appeals. A hearing will be held on Wednesday 7 p.m. to discuss a variance requested by Mr. Ernest Towelbaar for the purpose of adding a storm door to his back entrance. The usual cranks are invited to attend.

Found Dog. Italian greyhound, probably female. Urgently seeking owner or anyone else with knowledge of the particular command that causes the dog to release my ankle. Respond care of this magazine.

Bingo Night at Holy Regression Nicolaitan Orthodox Church has been canceled indefinitely following last week’s unfortunate incident. We regret that a few professional bingo sharps have been allowed to ruin it for everybody, but we are left with no alternative.

Tryouts for the Beechview Bombers croquet team will be held this Friday from 2 until 5 p.m. Must bring own mallet and champagne.

Lecture. The former Shah of Istanistan is this week’s featured speaker in the Alfred K. Miff Memorial Lecture Series at Miff Lecture Hall, Duck Hollow University. His topic will be “Opportunities in Multi-Level Marketing.” Admission is free. Thursday, 7:30 p.m.

Apartment for Rent. In third floor of historically notable Observatory Hill mansion. Probably not haunted. Must provide references from your exorcist or local skeptics’ association. Respond care of this magazine.

Reminder. Deadline for next week’s Community Bulletin Board is the week after next. We are trying to get this thing on some sort of schedule without being too draconian about it.