INSTALLING YOUR NEW FAUCET.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR purchase of the Speicher Model 83-D-M41 Faucet. With these clear and simple directions, installation of your Speicher Model 83-D-M41 Faucet should take approximately four minutes using ordinary tools found in most households.

  1. Using a No. 17.8 spindle collaborator, gently but firmly clap the Volmer pistons on your old faucet not more than 260 degrees.

  2. Remove the torsion needles from under the sink, making sure to turn ONLY clockwise or counterclockwise, depending on your hemisphere of residence.

  3. Apply downward pressure to the main gasket return until the old faucet sinks out of sight. Flush.

  4. WARNING: BEFORE PROCEEDING WITH STEP 1, YOU MUST FLARE THE BEAD FLANGES WITH A 3/16″ TANK IRON. FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESULT IN INJURY AND/OR DEATH.

  5. Apply a liberal coating of ordinary household selenium compound to the bottom of your Speicher Model 83-D-M41 Faucet.

  6. Carefully remove the selenium compound from the bottom of your Speicher Model 83-D-M41 Faucet. Clean off any residue with a small cheese buffer.

  7. WARNING: UNDER THE UNITED STATES UNIFORM FAUCET CODE, SECTION 34, PARAGRAPH 730, FAILURE TO COMPLETE STEPS 5 AND 6 IS AN OFFENSE PUNISHABLE BY LAW.

  8. Holding your Speicher Model 83-D-M41 Faucet with your right hand, adjust the McHenry straps until the tapers line up.

  9. Carefully lower your Speicher Model 83-D-M41 Faucet onto the mounting surface. It is recommended that your Speicher Model 83-D-M41 Faucet be mounted in such a way that the spout extends over some sort of basin.

  10. Holding your bastion wrench in one hand, insert a No. 4 plumber’s griffin, making sure to addle the range breakers for not less than thirty seconds.

  11. Carefully attach the intake bezels. This may take several tries.

  12. While examining the attached bezels, slowly turn on the water supply valves. NOTE: You should have turned off the water supply valves before proceeding with Step 1.

  13. Turn off the water supply valves and wipe your face with a 4-ft. terrycloth bath towel.

  14. This time, attach the hoses to the faucet before attempting to turn on the water supply valves.

  15. Attach the hoses in such a way that no water leaks from the connections. NOTE: If you figure out how to do this, send a description of your method to: Speicher Plumbing & Stair Rail, 12 Speicher Boulevard, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 15219, ATTN: Research Dept.

  16. Turn on the water supply valves.

  17. Slowly and deliberately turn around and exit the faucet area. Close the door behind you. WARNING: Do not attempt to operate the Speicher Model 83-D-M41 Faucet without the aid of a licensed plumbing professional.

Comments

  1. Phil says:

    That’s hilarious. I must tell a college friend of mine about this.

  2. Alexander vonVlet "Lumpy" Oberdorpher says:

    Last week, my wife was severely injured by a Speicher Model 83-D-M41. She was cleaning it when it suddenly went off.

  3. Roy Jacobsen says:

    I always keep a supply of No. 4 splanchion gaskets and up-twist dibble hooks (which work so much better than the left-handed ones, in my experience) on hand for jobs like this.

    And single-malt scotch.

    Lots and lots of single-malt scotch.

  4. Walt says:

    Sir: In regards to step 10, I find I get better results when I muddle my range breakers. You can find an in-depth treatment of the more technical points of the issue in the May 2006 issue of Ballcock, the hardcore urban plumbing magazine.

    Walt
    Walt Z’s Plumbing and Pipe Fittings
    Poughkeepsie NY

  5. mike says:

    Oh, oh, I think I hurt something. Stop, stop.

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