ALL PERSONS SCHEDULED for jury duty from this date forward in the District 17 Court of Vulgar Pleas are hereby relieved of their obligation. Judge Reginald Pennywhistle Barkweather has decided that he can render more effective and better-reasoned decisions without a dozen ignorant yahoos weighing in with their two cents on every case. County Council members are also hereby relieved of their obligations to attend Council meetings, as Judge Barkweather will soon issue a decision declaring all the acts of the Council unconstitutional backdated to the implementation of the current county charter. The County Executive is ordered to report to the county jail to be hanged tomorrow at 7:30 a.m. Also, the office of the Judge will no longer supply bagels for the Clerk of Courts Coffee Hour on Friday mornings. Court employees will be required to purchase their own bagels.