DISPATCH POLICE BLOTTER.

MS. EMMALINE PFENNIG was arrested on a charge of littering, having been observed tossing bundles of paper onto residential porches from a moving vehicle. Ms. Pfennig claimed that she was delivering a publication which she described as a “news paper,” but arresting officers who examined the bundles described them as containing mostly worthless supermarket advertisements printed on very shabby paper. Ms. Pfennig is being held pending bail, and her “news papers” have been confiscated for further examination.

Mr. Inigo Rufinus, Esq., was arrested on charges of possessing unlicensed firearms. Mr. Rufinus, a prominent local attorney, stated that he was acting in his capacity as defense minister of the independent nation of Rufinia, of which his brother Claude was the prime minister. Arresting officers laughed themselves silly.

Mr. Hammond J. Wagnoddle IV called to report a clattering noise in his kitchen and the unexplained scent of oatmeal cookies. Officers responding to the scene arrested Miss Silesia Poggle on a charge of baking and entering.

Sheriff Samuel P. Starr was arrested by sheriff’s deputies for disturbing the peace after he began bellowing obscenities at Miss Elzevira Pockett, who had locked herself out of her 1984 Plymouth Reliant again. Sheriff Starr was released on his own recognizance.

Applications are now being taken for several sheriff’s-deputy positions in the city police force. The large number of unexpected openings has made this a matter of some urgency.