[In honor of the second anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting a number of his own favorite articles from the past two years.]
Although no recordings of the old Captain Pleonasm radio serial have survived, a number of the original scripts were recently unearthed in the archives of the Northern Broadcasting Company.
ANNOUNCER. Malt-O-Cod, the delicious and nutritious malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…
(Music: Theme, up and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. The Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy! Now featuring the Malt-O-Cod Orchestra and Chorus, directed by Paul Hindemith.
(Music: In full.)
CHORUS. Don’t throw a fit or have a spasm:
It’s time for Captain Pleonasm!
He battles evil, and, forsooth,
He fights for justice and for truth!
He hates the bad and loves the good,
As self-respecting heroes should.
He conquers villains strange and odd,
And saves the world for Malt-O-Cod!
ANNOUNCER. As you recall, in last week’s episode, Captain Pleonasm and Interjection Boy found themselves facing a strange new villain.
INTERJECTON BOY. Oscillatin’ ocelots, Captain Pleonasm! It’s just a crumbly old man in a funny costume!
LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM (aged voice). Is that so, Interjection Boy? Is that what you think of me now? Well, Captain Pleonasm, perhaps you will disregard and ignore Interjection Boy’s intemperate and ill-considered remarks. Perhaps you will pay no attention to him at all when you discover the truth of who I am. Perhaps you will set aside the boy’s incontinent logorrhea and—
INTERJECTION BOY. Marry come up, Captain Pleonasm! He talks just like you!
CAPT. PLEONASM. Indeed he does, Interjection Boy! He speaks with the same carefully constructed and balanced rhetorical exactitude which I have always cultivated. His periods move with the same impeccable rhythm that it has always been my studious endeavor to maintain. Could it be, sir—could it be that you are my long-lost father?
LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. No, you idiot! Mercy, I forgot how dim I used to be. Can it be that I was ever such a moron? You know perfectly well your father is alive and well in Tarpon Springs. The only reason you’ve “lost” him is because Interjection Boy set fire to your address book when he was playing with your Inferno Ray.
INTERJECTION BOY. Red-hot yams, Captain Pleonasm! How does he know about that? You promised not to tell anybody!
CAPT. PLEONASM. Then who, sir, are you? What is your name, and whence do you come?
LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. I’m you, you lackwit fool!
LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. My name is Lieutenant Colonel Pleonasm, and I am you from the future. I have come back here thanks to the recent commercial availability of inexpensive and reliable time machines.
INTERJECTION BOY. Holy persimmons!
CAPT. PLEONASM. Then you are I, and I am yourself! We are identical, though different in age. Separated in time, we are yet united in identity.
LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. I knew you were going to say that.
CAPT. PLEONASM. Then can it be that you have come back to aid me in my darkest hour? Is there some diabolical plot afoot, so fearful in its complexity, so awesome in its power, that only the two of us working together, with your superior future technology, can defeat it? Have you come to offer me the benefit of my own future cooperation?
LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. No, you ignorant booby! I’ve come back to destroy you. I’ve returned to wipe you clean from the pages of history.
INTERJECTION BOY. But, jodhpurs, Lieutenant Colonel Pleonasm! Why?
LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. Because I’ve turned evil in my old age! Forsaking the good, I have found far more profit and satisfaction in villainy! Yet the world would be a much more secure place for villainy had my former self not dedicated his life to making the world safe for good.
INTERJECTION BOY. But, gallopin’ gnus, Lieutenant Colonel Pleonasm! Does this mean I turned evil in the future, too?
LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. No, you opened a Peugeot dealership on Baum Boulevard. I have no quarrel with you. My quarrel is only with myself. If I destroy my former good self now, all his works for good will never have happened!
ANNOUNCER. Is this the end for Captain Pleonasm? Will his future destroy his present? Will his present destroy his future? Will his future, by destroying his present, destroy his future as well? Will Interjection Boy be able to make a living selling unreliable French cars to American drivers? Don’t miss next week’s enthralling and riveting episode of the Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy!
(Music: Theme, in full and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. When Captain Pleonasm wakes up in the morning, what’s the first thing he asks for? It’s Malt-O-Cod, the only malt beverage flavored with 100% real cod-liver oil. Kids, ask your moms for Malt-O-Cod, now with an official Captain Pleonasm demitasse spoon in every package. It’s the malt food drink that’s brain food—Malt-O-Cod.
(Music: In full, then out.)