COOKING FOR ONE.

WELL, IT LOOKS like it’s time again for Herb’s Cooking for One, the show where we cook things guys like to eat. I’m Al, filling in for Herb, who they tell me is responding to external stimuli again, so good job there Herb. We’re all about cooking things guys like to eat, and today we’ve got a real treat for you.

You know, my wife is always working late at the lawyer’s office, copying things or making coffee or filing stuff or whatever. I have no idea what she does there. I think she might actually be the lawyer. Seems to me she said something like that once.

But anyway, she comes in late, and then on Saturday mornings she doesn’t want to get up and get breakfast for me and the kids. She says if I’m not looking for a job, I have time to make breakfast. I says I have a job, filling in for Herb. She says I could make more money selling pencils from a tin cup. I remind her that the doc in the emergency room said I’m not supposed to go near pencils again. She says whatever, you can still make breakfast.

And you know what? She’s right. Today I’m going to show you how to make a breakfast you’ll love, and you can do it all by yourself. It’s called toast, and I know it’s a favorite with a lot of guys out there.

Now the things you need for toast, and see if you can follow me here, are (number one) some bread, and (number two) this special machine that’s called a toaster. What happens is, you put the bread in the toaster, and it turns into toast. I think that’s pretty cool myself.

Now, here’s my toaster right here. Your average toaster has two slots for bread, but I got one of those souped-up hotrod toasters with four slots. We’re guys, right? By the way, kids are always getting stuff stuck in those slots. If your kids get a piece of toast or a wedding ring or something stuck down in there, don’t go trying to fish it out with a metal fork. Let the kids do that. You need to teach them some responsibility.

So you just drop four slices of bread in like this, and then you push down on the handle here, and it starts toasting. I don’t know how it does that. It’s like magic or something.

A lot of these toasters have a thing that’s supposed to pop up when the toast is done. Mine used to have one, but it stopped working when I toasted a bagel in there. No one told me you were supposed to put the cream cheese and lox on after you toast the bagel. But that’s a different show. So I just have to wait. But I’ll show you how you can tell when the toast is done anyway. Just keep watching. A little bit longer.

Now, you see that smoke coming out of the toaster? That means the toast is just about done. When the smoke turns black, it’s done. It’s sort of like electing a pope, only backwards.

So now you just turn the toaster upside down, and the toast falls right out. Well, sometimes it does. Sometimes you have to jiggle it a bit. Or shake it like this. There you go. Those black things are the toast. Don’t worry about the pieces that hit the floor if you have a dog, cause they’ll be gone faster than you can say “cleanup on aisle seven.” I don’t have my dog in the studio today, so I have to just kick that one under the cabinet.

Now you might want to put something in the toast before you eat it. I don’t have any butter. I threw it out, cause I’m pretty sure it wasn’t supposed to be green. But I have jelly.

I was at my fancy-pants sister’s house last week, and she had toast with something called orange marmalade. It was the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen. I mean, they weren’t even careful enough to take out all the bits of peel. No way you’re getting me to eat that. So I just stick to grape jelly, because I know what’s in it. Like it says here, um, potassium sorbate. Whatever that is. So I guess I didn’t know what was in it, but at least it’s not bits of orange peels. Yuck.

And there you are. Toast like this is good exercise for your jaw muscles, but make sure you don’t have any loose fillings. Oh, and you might want to see if you can push that handle on the toaster back up to where it started, or you can kiss your kitchen curtains goodbye. I’m on my fourth set already.

And that’s all for now. Herb really appreciates all the cards and letters you’ve sent him, except one of you, and I think you know who I mean, and if you can drive an Escalade you don’t need those child-support payments anyway. Until next time, I’m Al, saying what Herb always says when his mouth can move, which is “Remember, cooking is for guys, too.”