ANNOUNCER. And now Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, proudly presents…
ANNOUNCER. The Adventures of Sir Montague Blastoff, Interplanetary Space Dragoon!
(Music: Theme, in and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. Today we find Sir Montague positively bubbling with excitement as Colonel Wilhelmina Darling arrives at his door.
SIR MONTAGUE. I say, Colonel, are you ready to meet William Shakespeare?
COL. DARLING. Oh, Monty, I’m positively bubbling with excitement!
SIR MONTAGUE. Are you really? What an extraordinary coincidence! Well, here we are, the first man and the first woman ever in the history of the world to travel through time!
COL. DARLING. I can hardly believe we’re actually going to do it!
SIR MONTAGUE. Are you sure you’re up for it, my dear? The experiment is not without its risks, you know.
COL. DARLING. I may be only nineteen and ravishingly beautiful, but I am also a colonel in the 58th Interplanetary Space Dragoons. I do not know the meaning of the word “fear.”
SIR MONTAGUE. Well, you should have said something, my dear. You know you can borrow my dictionary any time you like. Now, just through these doors here, and we’ll enter the Temporal Displacement Chamber.
(Sound: Echoing footsteps.)
COL. DARLING. Look! There’s somebody already in there!
SIR MONTAGUE. Well, that’s highly irregular. I say in there! Are you aware that this is a restricted area?
SIR MONTAGUE (distant). Oh, yes, quite, of course. Filled out the paperwork myself.
COL. DARLING. Good grief, Monty! It’s us!
SIR MONTAGUE. Is this some sort of horrible malfunction of the machinery?
SIR MONTAGUE (approaching). Only a bit of a hiccup, really. Nothing much to worry about. We’ve just returned a little before we left.
COL. DARLING. Wilhelmina, you have a bit of spinach in your teeth.
COL. DARLING. Good grief! Why didn’t Monty tell me?
COL. DARLING. He never notices these things.
COL. DARLING. No, he doesn’t, does he?
SIR MONTAGUE. But, I say! This means the experiment was a success!
SIR MONTAGUE. Oh, rather! Went swimmingly, except for this little awkward bit at the end.
SIR MONTAGUE. Or at the beginning.
SIR MONTAGUE. Yes, quite. See your point. Jolly amusing when you think about it, isn’t it?
COL. DARLING. So you’ve already met Shakespeare?
COL. DARLING. He’s not all he’s cracked up to be.
SIR MONTAGUE. Well, you two had better be off. If you don’t leave now, we’ll never have gone at all, which would be rather embarrassing. Not to mention the paperwork.
SIR MONTAGUE. Yes, we’d best be off.
COL. DARLING. It was nice meeting me.
COL. DARLING. Yes, I’ll be seeing you in my mirror.
SIR MONTAGUE. Well, that was a bit odd, but here we are. Are you ready?
COL. DARLING. I’m always ready for anything when I’m with you, Monty.
SIR MONTAGUE. Jolly good. Then I’ll just pull this lever, and…
(Sound: Loud electrical hum.)
SIR MONTAGUE. Here we are in Elizabethan England! And according to this Poet Triangulator in my hand, William Shakespeare should be in that house over there.
COL. DARLING. You mean the one with the long line of people coiled up in front of it?
SIR MONTAGUE. Yes, that’s the one. I say, you over there. Is Mr. William Shakespeare available?
GUARD. Back of the line, you two.
SIR MONTAGUE. But perhaps you misunderstand. We only want to see Mr. Shakespeare.
GUARD. Do you have any idea how many time travelers show up here every day to get a glimpse of Shakespeare at work? He hardly has time to write with all the visitors he gets from future centuries. Line forms here. Five minutes each with the poet. Estimated wait time two hours thirty-five minutes from this point. Souvenir shop after the poet.
SIR MONTAGUE. Well, Colonel, I suppose there’s nothing for it but to stand here and wait. Still, two and a half hours is a small price to pay for meeting the greatest English poet who ever lived. I suppose we can wait.
COL. DARLING. I’m not so sure.
SIR MONTAGUE. Oh, come now, my dear, let’s just have a little patience. It won’t be as long as all that.
COL. DARLING. Monty, I know I should have thought of this before we left, but…
(Music: Theme, in and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. Will Sir Montague and Colonel Darling succeed in meeting William Shakespeare, or will Colonel Darling have to step out of line to use the facilities? Will they return in time to meet themselves along the way? Will next week’s episode be an exact repeat of this week’s? Don’t miss next week’s exciting episode: Sir Montague Blastoff and the Infinite Loop! Till then, kids, remember to bug your parents every day until they buy you Malt-O-Cod. It’s the only malt food drink with the rich, satisfying flavor of real cod-liver oil, now with the exclusive Sir Montague Blastoff perpetual calendar in every package. It’s the malt food drink that’s brain food—Malt-O-Cod!
(Music: In full, then out.)