PITTSBURGH (Special to the Dispatch.)—The authors of a forthcoming study on baraminology have angrily denied reports that their announcement was a hoax.

Dr. Orbin S. Thicke and the Rev. Bob-Bob Lee, fellows of the Institute for Noachian Studies, told a Dispatch reporter that the study is already in progress.

“We have established a methodology,” Dr. Thicke said. “A top-quality study will take some time, which is why we have given ourselves thirty-four years to complete it. There is no need for critics to weigh in before the study is even finished.”

“We knew we would face opposition from the satanic atheistic communistic Islamofascist spawn of hell,” added the Rev. Bob-Bob. “But a true scientist follows the facts wherever they lead him, as long as they do not lead him outside the pages of Genesis.”

Internet rumors that the study is a hoax may hurt funding, Dr. Thicke said, which could seriously jeopardize the outcome of the study.

“We are considering all our legal options,” said the Rev. Bob-Bob. “Our attorneys have advised us that it may be possible to sue the Internet for libel in Britain.”

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Answers in Hesiod, a classical pagan fundamentalist think tank, strongly condemned the projected study for failing to take into account the scientifically valid theory that Chaos, Gaia, and Eros arose spontaneously from nothing.


  1. anonymous wisecrack says:

    Bad news… if the device that came in my mail-order Rapturometer kit is accurate, earth can’t wait until 2043 for the result of the Thicke-Lee study.

  2. Dacron Mather says:

    I am deeply shocked by Thicke &Lee’s plagiarism from my forthcoming monograph , Finches of the Ararat Archipelago.

    It notes that center of evolutionary radiation emerged from The Flood long before the relatively low lying Galapagos, Hence the beaks of its endemic avian fauna had longer to adapt to pre- Hesiodic vegetation changes ( e.g. the regression of olive branches to lower elevations on Mount Elburz ) that occurred as sea level on Ararat sank from Alpine Tundra climatic elevations to encompass the more temperate biotreme in which the Ark’s disinundation is recorded to have occurred.

    Since the robust Alpine beak adaptations obviously antedate the temperate and tropical ones, it is hardly surprising that Darwin mistook the Ararat finches for endemics, failing to realize that any finch capable of flying continuously for ~1,000 hours (forty days and forty nights) could effortlessly loiter for as long as it took for the Galapagos to emerge from The Flood. ( For a bioenergetic explanation, please see my previous monograph –
    Water-walking in Velocipaturid lizards:
    An adoption to pursuit by insurance salesmen.

    Hacking Thicke & Lee’s emails reveals them to be in the pay of preterite forces of Warmist Antidominionism fearful of the Velocirapture Hypothesis’s ramifications for coal formation in the post-Holocene End Times. To preempt further plagiarism, a review copy has been sent to The Wall Street Journal of Climate Genesis & Chiropraxis

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