HOW WILL HEALTH-CARE REFORM AFFECT YOU?

YOU WILL NOT die. Your health-insurance company is now obliged to keep you alive forever.

If you have a pre-existing condition, such as asthma or clumsiness, your name will be entered in the Pre-Existing Conditions Registry, and you are eligible for free ice cream.

The Communists who have been living under your bed since 1947 will come out of hiding and ask you whether Fred Allen is still on the radio, confirming all your darkest suspicions at once.

If you cannot afford private health insurance, the government will pay for your health care, but your doctor will be required to treat you with thinly disguised contempt.

Wealthy customers will now be offered the choice of health insurance in several designer colors.

Doctors who own two-seater BMW coupes will be required to trade them in for more sensible four-door BMW sedans.

If you are a health-insurance executive, you will somehow get richer.