AN ALLEGED MEXICAN was arrested on Bland Street on suspicion of being a worthless layabout. He was released without charge when he was able to provide documentation proving that he was the Mexican consul.

Police responded to reports of a fight at Glazunov’s Cafe, a bar in the Forty-Third Ward. Arriving officers were informed that the fight had been provoked by differing opinions on proposed changes to city employees’ pension plans. Officers were careful to determine which of the two parties was wrong about the pension plans before beating him to a pulp.

Miss Elzevira Pockett locked herself out of her 1984 Plymouth Reliant again. Police told her they felt awfully bad about that.

The reference librarian at the Blandville branch library was arrested on suspicion of sedition. A copy of the Communist Manifesto was found on the premises, along with a number of other incriminating documents. Arresting officers allege that the suspect claimed innocence on the grounds that “it’s a library, for Pete’s sake.” The suspect is currently being held indefinitely at an undisclosed location in southeastern Cuba.

Some guy walked into the District 18 police headquarters and asked to use the rest room. Officers told him it was the third door on the right after you go down that long hall over there.