TO: All Employees
FROM: The President
RE: A New Family Member!
My fellow employees:
Although I understand that rumors have been circulating for some time now, I am still delighted to be able to give everyone an early Christmas present, as it were, by making the official announcement that, as of this morning, the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc., has finalized its acquisition of Ike’s Iced Spice Tykes, The Little Cookie with the Big Nutmeg Flavor, which now joins our illustrious roster of nationally recognized brands.
The Ike’s Iced Spice Tykes brand will add considerably to the value of our already popular line of packaged snack cookies. As you are doubtless aware, Ike’s has built its reputation on using only the finest all-natural ingredients. Nothing about that will change under our ownership, except that the manufacturing process will be made more efficient. Our Flavor Wizards in the Product Development labs have been working overtime (unpaid, but strictly voluntary, since they all answered “yes” to the question “Do you want to keep your job?”) to find ways of reproducing the flavors of these inordinately expensive all-natural ingredients synthetically in the laboratory. Already they have developed an artificial nutmeg that will knock your socks off. I have been assured, however, that the latest batches are much less volatile, and I have every confidence that the cookies will be relatively stable and will meet most food-safety standards by the time they begin rolling off our No. 8 baking line.
The only detail yet to be worked out is the question of what we intend to do with Ike, who was acquired as part of our hostile takeover of his company. Until Human Resources has determined how best to dispose of him, Ike will be occupying the cubicle across from the fire extinguisher in the Saturated Fat department. The restraints are for his own protection, and Mrs. Flay, our Director of Human Resources, has asked me to remind all employees not to feed Ike, since he is on a very strict diet. Your cooperation will be much appreciated, though not necessarily by Ike.
Allow me to take this opportunity to extend my best wishes to all my fellow employees during this time of holiday cheer.
Yours in warm fellow-feeling,
J. Rutherford Pinckney,