SINCE THE RAPTURE is scheduled for tomorrow, there seems to be little use in making long-term plans. Everything that involves work toward a future goal is simply wasted effort. Instead, find a way to entertain yourself for the next twenty-four hours or so (at the most). Here are a few suggestions.

Read up on previous end-of-the-world manias, and laugh at the ignorant goobers who got the date wrong.

How will you look in your new white robe? Better visit the gym now. You have a day to tone up.

Remember that you are saved by faith, not by works, so this is your last chance to vandalize your neighbor’s Lexus.

Get out your pocket calculator and your Bible and see if you can confirm the calculation of the date of the Rapture. Then just for fun, see how your calculations would change if you accepted 2 Esdras as canonical scripture.

Go to the bank, take out all your money, take it to the coin shop, and buy as many expensive collector coins as you can find. Then use them to play the most expensive game of tiddlywinks in history.

Just for a lark, sell all you have and give the money to the poor. It won’t improve your chances of rapture, but the looks on the poor’s faces will be priceless.

Bookmark Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine, so you’ll have something to read on Sunday when you don’t want to go out and face your friends.

By the way, did you know that, merely by reading this article and perhaps smiling at some of the suggestions in it, you have demonstrated your lack of faith and completely torpedoed any chance you had of being raptured? Sorry about that.