NERGAL-SHAREZER THE RABMAG’S ASTROLOGICAL PROGNOSTICATIONS.

Libra. You are likely to be wrong about five things today, but you should admit to only three. You have your reputation among the other justices to consider.

Ursa Major. That intolerable stench that follows you turns out to be your conditioner. Ask yourself this question: Does your hair really need to be conditioned that badly?

Trimalchio. Your sister thinks you watch too much television and keeps urging you to read a good book. Today you will read a bad book just to spite her.

Vercingetorix. Today is a good day to eat cheese.

Horatio Alger. Your cat knows more than he is telling, but your dog is completely without guile.

Coriolanus. Do not venture outside today without a pair of long-nose pliers. Your life may depend on it.

Two Gentlemen of Verona. Highlights from your childhood will soon be available on a Blu-Ray compilation, but only your mother will buy it.

Bulwer-Lytton. Representatives from a forgotten underground civilization will suddenly appear through a hole in your basement and ask to borrow two eggs and a cup of sugar. You should definitely give them what they want.

Anaxagoras. This is a good week to launch a military coup, overthrow the democratically elected government, and rule by decree under a state of emergency. Or you could go bowling.

Maimonides. Have you lost weight? The stars think you should be eating more.

Democritus Junior. Somewhere a philosopher with a lantern is looking for an honest man. If he passes you, look the other way.

Mary Roberts Rinehart. Had they but known that you were serious, the stars would never have advised you to go ahead. They thought you were in on the joke.