THE CITY POLICE would like to thank members of the public for their response to last night’s appeal for information in the serial tip-jar robberies. It now appears that the sketch circulated by police artists was inaccurate. According to multiple witnesses with better eyesight than the previous witnesses, the culprit’s face was concealed by a novelty James Buchanan mask, such as can be purchased at any Halloween costume store. According to a police statement, an arrest has been made in the case. No details have been given, but anonymous police sources report that the suspect is one Tom Vilsack, who lists his occupation as “Secretary of Agriculture.”


  1. Jared says:

    One almost sympathizes. It’s hard to get by on a secretary’s salary in this economy. Still, nothing can excuse besmirching the impeccable reputation of President Buchanan through such a base association with petty theft. No one makes away with anything of value under the watchful eye of James Buchanan, unless one counts the pilferage of South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas. And even here, the “value” of the purloined parcels remains hotly disputed.

  2. raf says:

    In fairness, while Buchanon had items purloined from his establishment while he was in charge, the theft was x by the prospect of his departure and he never personally stole anything, not even $0.83.

  3. raf says:

    “x” = “precipitated” in the above, testifying to the onset of vocabularic delay syndrome.

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