THIS EDITION OF Jots & Tittles, the parish newsletter of St. Aquila Evangelical Lutheran Church, is sponsored by ExxonMobil. The next time the pastor reads one of those pinko lefty environmentalist prayers about “stewardship of the earth” printed in the bulletin insert, remember to say a silent prayer for the good, honest, hard-working Americans who bring you the energy you need to maintain your civilized standard of living.

Pastor’s Message.

Dear friends in Christ,

Boy, wasn’t it hot last week! I heard my little boy Ralph saying it was hotter than H-E-double-hockey-sticks, and I had to laugh. Kids grow up so fast these days! It seems like only yesterday we were proudly announcing that he had spoken his first word, which for some reason was “turmoil.” Now he’s a big boy in the second grade already, and his teacher says he has quite a vocabulary. I just wish he would stop teaching it to his little sister. What a special time childhood is! This week I want every one of you to close your eyes, open your Bible, and pick a verse at random, and then think about what it teaches you. I just did it, and my finger landed on 1 Chronicles 2:53, which says, “And the families of Kiriath-jearim; the Ithrites, and the Puhites, and the Shumathites, and the Mishraites; of them came the Zareathites, and the Eshtaulites.” I think this verse teaches me to be more tolerant of my neighbors, even when they have funny names that I can’t pronounce. I know I need to work on that.

Yours in Christ,
Pastor Herb.

Member News.

Jeremy Bosch won honorable mention in some sort of “forensics” thing at school last month. We were all happy to learn that the “forensics” he’s doing doesn’t have anything to do with dead bodies. Jeremy says we watch too much television. Isn’t he a card?

Mrs. Blanton is going to be visiting Australia for the first time next month, and her son says she needs people to reassure her constantly that she isn’t going to fall off the bottom of the earth. If you see her around, you might just casually mention that Australians stick to the earth just as well as normal people. Just act like it came up in normal conversation.


Worship and Music Committee will be meeting Wednesday at 7 p.m. to tell the organist to knock it off with those noisy fugues he’s been playing for postludes.

Evangelism Committee will meet Sunday after church to discuss evangelization strategies. If you know anyone who isn’t a Christian, why don’t you ask him or her how he’d like to be evangelized? That way we can all come to the meeting with some good ideas.

Finance Committee will be meeting Friday at 7 p.m. Mrs. Ott has counted at least sixteen unauthorized copies made on the office copier in the last three months alone, and she’s on the warpath, so it would be to your advantage to fess up now if you know what’s good for you.


  1. C. Simon says:

    Double double toil and trouble,
    Babies babble and turmoil bubbles.

  2. C. Simon says:

    “This week I want every one of you to close your eyes, open your Bible, and pick a verse at random, and then think about what it teaches you.”

    Wait – think? That won’t do. There are millions of unsaved people who can’t think. Are we going to get all those people in church if we tell them a message like the Bible is only for people who think?

  3. C. Simon says:

    Alternative: Open your bible, pick a verse at random, then tell a crowd pleasing, feel-good, tangentially related anecdote. Avoids that elitist “thinking about what it teaches you” monkey-business.

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