On-the-job training provided for candidates willing to run for President on the Republican ticket in 2016. Our analysts having deter­mined that the candidate nearer the beginning of the alphabet obtains a slight but measurable advantage, the Republican Party is eagerly soliciting appli­ca­tions from anyone named Aaronson. All races, creeds, and genders are encouraged to apply; however, suc­cess­ful candidate will be a wealthy white male of middle age, with own hair intact, belonging to a non-scary and tradi­tionally right-wing Christian denomi­nation, not some freaky formerly polygamous cult. We are making an honest attempt to rectify the mistakes of the recent past and return the party to its core values.