The American cardinals who have been gathering over by the chimney to smoke those foul cigars are requested to put them away until after the conclave. The fumes are likely to cause all manner of unfounded speculation in the media.

A silver cufflink with a Masonic symbol on it was found in the dining hall after lunch this afternoon. The owner may reclaim it at the confessional.

All votes for tomorrow’s breakfast menu are due by midnight tonight. The kitchen staff have been instructed not to serve breakfast at all if no agreement can be reached.

Just a reminder to all cardinals that all cell phones must be left with the Pontifical Curator of Electronics for the duration of the conclave. A special Angry Birds station has been set up next to the coffee maker for the use of all cardinals on a first-come, first-served basis.

Proper attire is required at all times. The mere fact that television cameras are not admitted is no excuse for slovenliness. If you are in doubt as to whether the slogan on your T-shirt may be considered offensive and thus unacceptable, please refer the matter to the proper committee.

This evening’s papal ballot is sponsored by Lady Carey’s Decorator Matches, the only decorator matches classy enough for lighting papal ballots. Use Lady Carey’s Decorator Matches for every ecclesiastical application and bring a little class back into your cathedral.

Thank you for listening to your daily conclave announcements. The Father Ted marathon here on VTV Channel Two will resume immediately after the closing prayer.


  1. TXW says:

    Somebody saw white smoke as I write. I bet the cigars are cuban, and communists have infiltrated. Or Dan Brown. Or Gary Wills.

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