Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, has canceled her upcoming engagements for the next two weeks, after several members of the audience at her performance for the South Side Synesthesia Society came down with food poisoning. In a statement to the press, Miss Smoulder expressed her condolences to the audience members and her best wishes for a speedy recovery, but noted that her choice of musical numbers had met all county health-department guidelines. A spokesman for the SSSS said that this was the worst outbreak of food poisoning at the Society since the Glass Box Mimes troupe performance in 1996.


  1. Clay Potts says:

    An unnamed source at the Allegheny County Health Department has leaked a 2006 internal memo which contradicts the SSSS’s contention that this is their worst case of food poisoning since 1996; the document reveals an entire wedding party was sent to the Mercy Hospital ER in the Spring of 2006 with food poisoning – investigation later attributed the outbreak to cross-contamination as a result of the the band leader’s failing to wash his hands properly between the Funky Chicken and the Hokey Pokey.

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