Dear Dr. Boli: My English teacher says that William Shakespeare was hired to revise the Psalms in the King James Bible. She says we know this because Psalm 46 has the words “shake” and “spear” in it, and because “William Shakespeare” is an anagram for “Here was I, like a psalm.” I told my English teacher I think she’s a few curls short of a wig. But what do you think? —Sincerely, Sarah, Mrs. Choke’s Tenth-Grade English Class (written during detention).

Dear Madam: “William Shakespeare” is also an anagram for “Wipe malaria shekels,” which proves that the immortal bard was behind the introduction of quinine into Palestine. “A whelk pier’s malaise” proves that Shakespeare is to blame for the decline of the shellfish industry. “Awake! Shale imperils!” has a stark warning for us all about fracking. “Kill me, aphasia sewer”—well, Dr. Boli is sure he doesn’t have to tell you what that means. In other words, Dr. Boli thinks you were probably right about your English teacher’s wig. But it is not polite to challenge your teacher in class. The polite thing to do is to allow your English teacher to propagate falsehood unchallenged, and then, ten years later, write a snarky coming-of-age novel about it.

Incidentally, the Geneva Bible, which was published four years before Shakespeare was born (Dr. Boli has a facsimile on his lap right now), also translates those same Hebrew words as “shake” and “speare.” This proves that William Shakespeare was also the inventor of the time machine.