IN THE NEWS.

Police were called to the convention center this afternoon when a brawl erupted during a conference of the Northeastern Association of Certified Homeopaths. According to eyewitness reports, the fight began during the reading of a paper on “Esoteric Homeopathy,” in which it was claimed that patients could be healed at any arbitrary distance by running a specially treated blank sheet of paper through a fax machine. A member of the audience stood up and denounced the claims as “superstitious nonsense,” insisting that cures could be prepared only by the rigorously scientific method of dilution and succussion. Heated words ensued, and by the time police arrived the speaker was allegedly running a blank sheet of paper through a fax machine in a menacing manner. Sixteen homeopaths were arrested and taken to the Western Pennsylvania Homeopathic Rehabilitation Center, where they were cured of tendencies to assault and battery by a series of infinitesimally light blows to the wrist.