IN THE NEWS.

A new report from the National Strategic Planning Commission warns that sectarian violence in Afghanistan may be on the verge of spilling over into neighboring Duvetistan, currently an uneasy ally of the United States. “The distinct possibility exists,” the report affirms, “that instability in Duvetistan, and especially in the capital of Polyestribad, could adversely affect that country’s historically friendly relations with America and its allies.” As a precautionary measure, the report recommends drone missions targeting any Duvetistani citizens who dislike Americans.