Dear Dr. Boli: My hair is limp and lifeless. I asked a doctor what to do about it, and she said that my hair was lifeless because it was already dead. So I slapped her and asked a hairdresser what to do about it, and he said that my hair was starved for vitamins. He gave me—by which I mean sold me—an expensive vitamin-fortified shampoo to use, but after a month there’s no improvement. What can I do? —Sincerely, A Woman with Limp and Lifeless Hair in Marshall-Shadeland.

Dear Madam: If vitamins have not been of any use, it is probably because your hair is intellectually starved. Your hair, after all, has to sit up there on your head all day with nothing to do, and you never give it a book. It is a simple creature, and its intellectual needs are correspondingly simple. A few Fenimore Cooper novels, shredded and pulped, may be made into a sort of paste; apply this to the hair and let it dry, then chip it off with a hammer and chisel (you may want to ask for help with this part). Rinse and repeat as needed. Dr. Boli does not warrant absolutely that this technique will improve your hair; but it will certainly improve sales of Cooper’s novels, which have been in a bit of a slump recently.