Your last name is more than an assurance of your place in an alphabetical directory. It carries your family’s history along with it, if you know how to decode its hidden ciphers. Here are the meanings of some surnames commonly found in America.

Brown. The name “Brown” comes from the ancient Anglo-Saxon word “Braeoðenwicþ,” which means “green.” Members of the fam­ily Braeoðenwicþ were originally kings and earls and various kinds of aethelings, the line having been founded by Joseph of Arimathea when he came to English soil with the Holy Grail.

Johnson. Originally meaning “Son of Ruprecht,” the name of Johnson belonged to a royal dynasty descended from Joseph of Arimathea, who came to Northern Europe bearing the Keys of St. Peter (the ones that started Peter’s Triumph Herald).

Jones. A Welsh name, originating in the Romanian “Ionescu,” brought from Dacia by Joseph of Arimathea when he came to Glastonbury with the True Cross and the head of John the Baptist. The descendants of Joseph were Kings of Britain until the Saxon invasion, after which they retreated to Wales and made up songs about King Arthur (Arthur Jones, a British warlord of the late fifth century).

Plantagenet. The Plantagenet family were of no great account, the word “Plantagenet” being Old French for “a worker in metals.”

Smith. The surname “Smith” comes from an ancient Frankish regnal name meaning “Favored One of the God Smitty.” Smitty was the Frankish god of rocket science. In spite of the pagan associations of the name, it appears that the royal line of Smith was founded by Joseph of Arimathea as he passed through Frankish territory, bringing with him the Shroud of Turin and the Convenient Gladstone Bag of the Apostles.

Yoshimatsu. A royal family from which several emperors sprang, the Yoshimatsu family was founded by Joseph of Arimathea on his Japanese tour.


  1. Captain DaFt says:

    Joseph of Arimathea seems to have been quite busy dealing with relics and wenches.

  2. And if your last name is Boli, your ancestors owned a large chain of franchised bowling alleys and invented “Cosmic Bowling” in the eigth century, wherein instead of the then-more-popular ninepin bowling or the now-far-more-popular tenpin bowling, they dealt with the now-almost-forgotten twelve-pin bowling, wherein each pin was painted with the symbol of a sign of the zodiac, and a 7-10 split foretold the death of a great king or possibly your neighbor’s beloved pet poodle.

  3. RepubAnon says:

    Given the number of places that Joseph of Arimathea apparently slept, was he later to become George Washington?

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