Announcer. Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…

[Music: Laughing trombone.]

Announcer. The Adventures of Sarkastiko, the hero with the rapier wit!

[Music: Theme, in and under for…]

Announcer. Yes, Sarkastiko, armed only with his cutting repartee and an actual rapier, fights for justice and freedom on a daily basis, like that will help.

[Music: Theme fades.]

Announcer. As you recall, last week Sarkastiko had just found the secret lair of Professor Literal, when suddenly he was surrounded by henchmen, and…

Prof. Literal. Aha! Now you are in my power at last, Sarkastiko!

Sarkastiko. Yeah, it looks like I’ve got you right where I want you, doesn’t it?

Prof. Literal. I think you fail to understand the gravity of your situation. It is I who have you right where I want you. Your puny thin little sword is ineffectual against my henchmen armed with machine guns, hand grenades, and anti-tank weaponry.

Sarkastiko. I suppose you might have a tiny advantage in the weapons department.

Prof. Literal. I assure you, Sarkastiko, it is a very large advantage! You are completely helpless now, though I admit that your resistance was valiant.

Sarkastiko. Yeah, I really aced this one, didn’t I?

Prof. Literal. Not exactly. But you have fought bravely, and I respect that. I will therefore allow you to choose the manner of your own demise. How would you like to die?

Sarkastiko. Um…old age? Heh heh.

Prof. Literal. Oh! Very well, then. See you in seventy years or so. And no cheating and dying of cancer in the mean time.

Sarkastiko. Um…

Prof. Literal. Or getting hit by a streetcar. I hate that! I’ll be watching! And you should cut down on fatty foods. I want you to have your cholesterol checked.

Sarkastiko. Uh, okay.

Prof. Literal. Now bundle up. It’s chilly out there. The last thing we want is to have you catching pneumonia and depriving me of my ultimate victory when you’re a hundred and three or so. I shall very much enjoy watching your slow withering away into senility! Careful on the steps on the way out.

Sarkastiko. Um, right.

Announcer. And so once again Sarkastiko is saved by his razor-sharp wit, although at the cost of making this week’s episode a little shorter than we expected. Tune in next week for more of the Adventures of Sarkastiko, the hero with the rapier wit! And the actual rapier.

[Music: Theme, in and under for…]

Announcer. Kids, Sarkastiko knows that you’d never take advantage of your parents’ concern for your health. So it’s not like kids your age would ever try to get the Malt-O-Cod you crave by needling your moms and dads about the health benefits of your favorite malt food drink. But you should know that children who drink Malt-O-Cod have been shown to be 17% less likely to be attacked by killer bees. Not that you’d ever have any use for that information. So remember that name, kids: Malt-O-Cod, the malt food drink that’s brain food.

[Music: In full, then out.]