If a hamburger is indistinguishable from the charcoal over which it was grilled, it is safe to eat.
To avoid trichinosis, pork chops should be shot with a small-bore rifle before serving.
When a waiter at an Indian restaurant asks you how spicy you want it on a scale of 1 to 10, remember that anything above 5 will leave only a small mushroom cloud where you used to be sitting.
Before opening a can of prepared food, hold it up to your ear and listen carefully for botulism.
Cold cuts should be heated to a minimum internal temperature of 160º Fahrenheit.
Remember that raw eggs are only for throwing at a passing prothonotary.
Check your freezer every week for walrus larvae.
When eating at a chain restaurant, always insist on having your lawyer present.