ANNOUNCER. And now Malt-O-Cod, the delicious and nutritious malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…

(Music: Stinger.)

ANNOUNCER. The Amazing Adventures of…The Chihuahua!

(Music: Theme, in and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. Ponsonberry Primrose was an ordinary angst-ridden young man until, one night in his job at the Pet Palace, he was bitten by an annoying and moderately radioactive small dog. The radioactive bite gave him the fabled powers of…The Chihuahua!

(Music: Theme, in full, then fade.)

ANNOUNCER. Today we find Ponsonberry Primrose sitting in his living room with his love interest and frequent damsel in distress Janey Lou…

PRIMROSE. Gee, this is swell, Janey Lou. Just you and me, an old movie on the television, some popcorn and a glass of Malt-O-Cod for each of us—what could be nicer?

JANEY LOU. Well, it could be nicer to have a boyfriend who wasn’t too cheap to take me out to the movies once in a while. But whatever.

(Sound: Doorbell.)

PRIMROSE. Someone’s at the door! Someone’s at the door! Someone’s standing on the porch right now, ringing the doorbell! The nerve of him! Just ringing the doorbell, like he owned the front porch! Why, I oughta go out there right now and show him a thing or two! I oughta go out there right now and tell him who’s the boss around here! He’s right there, right now, on the porch!

JANEY LOU. I’ll get it.

PRIMROSE. Ringing the doorbell! Right now! I’ll tear him limb from limb, that’s what I’ll do! Standing on the porch like he owns the place! He didn’t reckon with me, that’s for sure! I’ll rip his legs off and make kibble out of ’em! I’ll chase him from here to Montana! He won’t know what hit him! He’ll be sorry he ever messed with me, you can bet on it!

JANEY LOU. Calm down. It’s just the mailman.

PRIMROSE. The mailman! My arch-nemesis! Prancing around the neighborhood with his evil blue uniform and his bag of horrors! Well, he’s not going to get away with it! He didn’t reckon with me when he started stepping on people’s porches and pushing doorbell buttons willy-nilly!

JANEY LOU. Get a grip, Ponse. He’s like, six-four and three hundred pounds. You’re, what, five-six?

(Sound: Door opening.)

PRIMROSE. Let me at him! I’ll lay him low like you wouldn’t believe! He’ll need three undertakers when I’m done with him! He’ll have stitches up one side of his body and down the other! I’ll give him rabies! I’ll go out and get rabies, and I’ll give it to him! I’ll bite his head right off his fat neck! I’ll take all the junk mail and stuff it down his throat!

JANEY LOU. Sorry about all the noise.

MAILMAN. It’s okay. I’m used to it. Just sign for this package, and—

PRIMROSE. It’s a trap! That package is rigged! The pen is rigged! The receipt is rigged! Don’t do it! Emergency! Let me out there, and I’ll protect you from the wicked machinations of the postal service! Let ’em send a million mailmen! I’ll beat ’em all up with one hand tied behind my back! I’ll lay ’em out like department-store mannequins! I’ll rip their arms off and feed them to the starlings!

JANEY LOU. Here you go.

MAILMAN. Thanks. Have a nice day.

PRIMROSE. Yeah, you better run, you coward! You think your thin blue armor will protect you from me? Well, you’ve got another think coming, that’s what you’ve got! You better not come back here with your letters and packages and free local coupon booklets! You better think twice about setting foot in this neighborhood again! I’d move to another state if I were you, that’s what I’d do!

JANEY LOU. You know, my roommate turned down a date with Captain Pleonasm because she said he was too talky.

PRIMROSE. He thinks he can just waltz up on people’s porches and push their doorbell buttons like it’s nothing at all. But he didn’t reckon with me. No, sir. I chased him off. I chased him from here to sundown. He can’t come up on this porch and ring the doorbell. Not while I’m around he can’t.

JANEY LOU. “Talk, talk, talk—that’s all he does.” That’s what she said.

PRIMROSE. If he tries that again I’ll teach him a thing or two. I’ll break both his legs. I’ll tear his ankles off. He can’t come up on people’s porches like that, like he owned the place. He can’t go around wearing blue uniforms whenever he wants to. Someone’s got to tell him people won’t stand for that sort of thing, and that someone’s going to be me.

JANEY LOU. And I thought to myself, “Well, I can beat that.” But I didn’t say anything.

PRIMROSE. If he comes here again he’ll get a contusion, that’s what he’ll get. He’ll be so black and blue they’ll think he got hit by a subway train. He’s gonna go home aching, that’s for sure. I’ll make him regret the day he decided to set foot on this porch. Oh, look! Popcorn.

(Music: Theme, in and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. And so, once again, the Chihuahua saves Janey Lou from the powers of evil and makes the neighborhood safe for doorbells. Tune in next week for more of the same, I guess. In the meantime, kids, why not mix yourselves up a great big glass of Malt-O-Cod right now? Malt-O-Cod is the only malt food drink with the rich, satisfying taste of 100% real cod-liver oil. You know as well as I do, kids, that the artificial cod-liver-oil flavor in those other malt food drinks just doesn’t cut it. So remember to shame your parents into brand loyalty. Accept no substitutes for Malt-O-Cod—the malt food drink that’s brain food.

(Music: Theme, in full then out.)