AL’S WILDERNESS SURVIVAL.

Well, here we are with Al’s Wilderness Survival, a brand-new show where we learn how to survive in the great outdoors. I’m Al, and some of you may know me from Herb’s Cooking for One, where I’ve been filling in for Herb while he’s feeling a bit out of sorts, which—well, the doctors are saying we should see an upturn by 2023 or so, so hang in there, Herb.

I’ll still be filling in for Herb, but today I’m doing this new show, because my wife said I had to get a real job. So I thought, What am I really good at? And my wife answered,—cause apparently I talk when I think,—she answered, “Surviving.” And I said, “Why do you say that?” And she said, “Because we’ve been married twelve years and I haven’t killed you yet.” Ha ha! I think that was supposed to be a joke.

So I went to the producer of Herb’s show, and I told him my idea, and he said, “Sure! And let’s make it really real, you know, by sending you way, way out in the woods with no crew or anything—just a camera you can put on a tripod, and there you are.” And here I am. I had to buy the camera myself, but I know the budgets aren’t what they used to be for these shows.

So the first thing you need when you’re stuck out in the woods is shelter. Now, I could sleep in my car, which is parked right over there, but hey, we’re guys, right? What’s the point of surviving in the wilderness if you don’t build your own shelter, just like the pioneers had to do?

So that’s what I’m going to do. I brought my trusty old chainsaw—see how it’s “Pioneer” brand?—and I thought I’d make myself a nice little log cabin. I’ve never made a log cabin before, but I’ve seen pictures of them, and they’re basically just logs in stacks, right? So all we need is some logs. And there are lots of logs in this big old tree right here, if we just get them out of the tree. So we fire up the chainsaw and—

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Well, that was kind of my fault. One of the things you have to think about when you’re cutting down a tree is which way it’s going to fall, and one of the other things you have to think about is where your car is parked. But that will probably buff out, once I find all the pieces of the roof. But anyway, we have our tree down, so we can start making it into logs. And I think I’ll just stop the camera for a while, cause it’s going to get kind of repetitive. I’m just going to take off the branches, and then saw this trunk into six-foot lengths.

Okay, we’re back with some logs, and we’re ready to start piling them up. Now, I’ve left this big log here, and then I figure I’ll take this other log and—well, gosh, logs are heavy, aren’t they? I don’t think I can move this at all. I mean, how did those stupid pioneers ever get these things built? They must have been crazy. So I think what we need is something else, like maybe a twig cabin. Or a teepee. After all, the Indians knew everything about wilderness survival, didn’t they? What we can do is set up a bunch of these branches—well, the big ones are kind of heavy, too, aren’t they? But I’ll take some of the smaller ones, and we can sort of stand them up in a sort of teepee shape. Well, they fall right over, don’t they? I guess the Indians were idiots, too. I don’t know how they ever got anything put up. Maybe they had, like, more than one guy working on it.

All right, well, it looks like I need help. One of the things you have to learn, guys—and I know it’s hard, because you want to be all macho and independent—but one of the things you have to learn is to know when you need help, and don’t be afraid to ask for it.

That’s why I brought this cell phone, and why I made sure I had the numbers I needed in it if I needed to get help. So I’m dialing one of those now. See, I have it right here in my favorites. It’s ringing, and— Hello? Oh, good, I got you. Listen, this is Al. I’m about three miles off Route 173 on this dirt road called County Route 1283, and what I need is an extra large, with pepperoni and sausage. Oh, and some of that cheese garlic bread, too. Yeah, and a six-pack of Duke. Okay? Forty-five minutes? Great. Thanks. —You see folks, when you’ve got to survive in the wilderness, the essential thing is to be prepared. That’s why I put the Giordano’s Pizza number in my cell phone ahead of time. So this is Al for Al’s Wilderness Survival, saying, Hope you survive till next week’s show. See you then.