IN THE NEWS.

Hell laid off 45% of its non-managerial workforce today, describing the move as a “rightsizing” of the company that would render it a “leaner and more efficient organization better able to meet the needs of its loyal customer base.” Satan, CEO and president of the firm, was quoted as saying, “We look forward to meeting the needs of our customers for many eons to come, and this latest move will enable us to continue offering our complete service package for the low price of only one immortal soul.” The announcement was not unexpected, as observers have pointed out for years that social media can multiply the work of one demon many times over. A spokesdemon for the devils’ union issued a statement which the Dispatch has found necessary to censor.