Dear Dr. Boli: What’s up with this “critical race theory” I keep hearing people yammering about? —Sincerely, Jim France, Chairman and CEO, NASCAR.

Dear Sir: When Dr. Boli first heard the term “critical race theory,” he had a strong negative reaction. The phrase contained three words each of which separately makes him feel physically ill; together, they must add up to something dire.

However, once he had looked into this notion, he discovered that most of its proponents seemed to believe that the United States was founded by racists whose main concern was to institutionalize the subjection of the African. This is certainly true, and if children are not being taught such obvious truths in school then there is something seriously wrong with our schools.

They should also be taught that this country was founded by abolitionists who thought that slavery was a sin that cried to God for justice and would bring divine wrath on the nation if we did not eliminate it forthwith.

And they should be taught that this country was founded by moderates who thought that slavery was, in the abstract, sort of a bad thing, but what can you do?

The fact is that our Founding Fathers could hardly agree on anything, There is no such thing as an idea that was common to all our Founding Fathers, except the notion that, at all costs, we must keep the government out of the hands of those other Founding Fathers, whose ludicrously dangerous and fantastical philosophy would drive us straight to perdition. Thus our government was instituted as a series of absurd compromises, like the Electoral College and the “three-fifths” rule, that would have made Solon and Lycurgus collapse in fits of giggles.

Dr. Boli calls this view of American history “Slippery Mess Theory,” and he believes that every American child ought to learn it from a very young age. You, Mr. France, as an influencer in certain circles, could do much to bring about that desirable outcome. Simply persuade the persuasible that they must gather outside state capitols, county courthouses, truck stops, and other centers of culture, holding signs and shouting slogans against Slippery Mess Theory. By the fundamental laws of human psychology, this will cause every American child to want to learn all there is to know about Slippery Mess Theory, and the goal will be accomplished without any special effort on the part of teachers, who have had a rough year.

The inside story of the birth of our country can be found in the only reliable biography of George Washington: Memoir of the Late George Washington by an Associate, available now wherever obscure paperback books and ebooks are sold.


  1. KevinT says:

    The good Doctor has committed an error of geometry, for which a correction is in order. Mr. France is not an influencer in certain circles, but rather in ovals (mostly) and a few other smooth but non-differentiable circuitous shapes.

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