Thank you for calling the Call Center Frustration Hotline. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed.

If you know your party’s extension, you should have dialed it directly and you are a very bad person.

To insult us in Spanish, oprime el ocho.

To complain about overly complex and confusing menu systems, press 1, followed by the pound sign. Do not press the pound sign for any other purpose.

To complain about ignorant or untrained telephone representatives, press 2.

To complain about know-it-all telephone representatives who think they’re so smart, press 3.

To complain about on-hold music that is too loud, too repetitive, or too abrasive, press 4.

To complain about on-hold music that is beautifully and expressively played being interrupted by our telephone representative, press 5.

To complain about telephone representatives with foreign accents, press 6 and let’s see how well you can speak their language.

To complain about the fact that our menu options change every four days, press 7.

To complain about the weather, hang up and dial the National Weather Service.

To call our ancestry or familial relationships into question, press 8. This will get you the Spanish operator, but we suspect that it will not make much difference to you at this point.

To repeat this message, write it down on a piece of paper, and then recite it in your best imitation of our robotic tone of voice.


  1. Mrs. Bat says:

    To waste more of your time, stay on the line and see where that will get you.

    All calls will be monitored or recorded for quality control.

    If you are willing to complete a survey at the end of this call, press 9, to give us all your personal information.

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