Miss Una Corda, the notoriously shy concert pianist, has announced that she will release her upcoming album, Music You Probably Won’t Like by Composers You’ve Never Heard of, in 8-track format only.

Arnold Limesquash, the noted ventriloquist, is suing his dummy for libel.

British rock legend Sir Jeremy Freakout broke his decades-long silence yesterday when he stepped on a tack at the Westminster Home for Aged KBEs. His agent quoted him as saying “Crikey.” Sir Jeremy had not spoken since 1974 in protest against British occupation of the South Sandwich Islands. Prime Minister Boris Johnson appealed for calm and said that carpet conditions at the Home would be investigated “forthwith.”

Rap-jazz fusion artist Felonious Thelonious busted a rhyme yesterday at the Greater Aspinwall Independence Day Art-O-Rama. He is listed in serious but stable condition at St. Margaret’s Hospital.

Bozar the Clown has been retained as a consultant for a new motion picture about the life of Stanford White, tentatively titled I Was a Predator but I Made Some Pretty Good Buildings and That Thaw Guy Was Crazy.

Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle, the well-known poet and novelist, gave a reading from his new free-verse sonnet cycle Sunday at the Buzzing Fret Acoustic Café, until the manager on duty told him that if he was going to stand there talking to himself all afternoon he could at least order a latte or something.