TO: All Employees
FROM: Your President
RE: Lawyer Stuff
All of us here at the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc., are dedicated above all else to the welfare of the Company. I know I am, anyway, at least since my wife left me and took the kids, because what else do I have to live for? So we all want to do what’s best for our Company, and I know that every one of you will be proud to help out.
In that context, you have doubtless heard of the class-action lawsuit in which certain predatory liability attorneys allege that our Pumpkin Creme Sandwich Wafers contained 4% lead, in spite of a large starburst on the label with the words “lead free.”
Now, to any unbiased reader, it is perfectly obvious what those labels meant: that we were not charging any extra for the lead content of the Wafers. As a result of what some malicious reporters called “cross-contamination,” but I prefer to describe as “synergy,” a certain amount of lead got into several batches of our Pumpkin Creme. Yet, though lead is a valuable mineral, we did not raise the price at all. Or, rather, we did, but we were probably going to do that anyway, so the price was exactly what it would have been if the lead had not got into the Pumpkin Creme. In other words, to the consumer, the lead was absolutely free.
Nevertheless, lawyers can twist anything, and in their court filings the attorneys bringing the suit allege that an ordinary educated consumer would take a different meaning from those labels. Yes, that is how predatory lawyers can be.
Under these circumstances, it is very important that none of our loyal employees discuss the case at all with lawyers who may be representing the plaintiffs in this egregiously frivolous lawsuit. They may try to trap you into describing conditions on our Creme & Bullets production line, and we should not like our competitors to be able to read how we have maximized our operational efficiency just by downloading some publicly available court filing.
It is also essential that you avoid talking to reporters. It is a well-known fact that the Daily Gazette is staffed by Communists whose fondest wish is to break the back of American industry, and they would seize on this story and distort it to their own ends.
Naturally, you must also avoid discussing anything to do with this case, or anything at all to do with our production methods and facilities, with your friends, family, and domestic animals. After all, there is no telling what secrets a motivated paralegal might pry out of them.
That is why it has been necessary to lock the doors of all manufacturing and office facilities in our Erie Boulevard campus, and all employees will be required to remain in the building in which they work for the duration of the lawsuit. Think of it as being something like jury duty, except that instead of making sacrifices for some nebulous abstract concept like “justice,” you are doing something nice for the Company we all love.
Also, if my wife calls, don’t answer the phone. She has lawyers, too.
With Warmest Regards,
J. Rutherford Pinkney,