Announcer. And now Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…

(Music: Fanfare.)

Announcer. The Adventures of Adventure Man!

(Music: Theme, in and under for…)

Announcer. Yes, it's Adventure Man, whose thrilling life of swashbuckling danger never lets up for a second! With his plucky gal Friday Gail Friday and their equally plucky friend, cub newspaper photographer Billy “Speed” Graphic, Adventure Man faces new and amazing yet comfortably familiar perils every week!

(Music: In full, then fade.)

Announcer. As you recall, in last week's episode Adventure Man had just boarded the pirate ship Jolly Puffin to rescue Gail from a fate worse than cancellation when suddenly the pirate captain himself appeared from below decks.

Speed. Golly! It's Broadbeard the Pirate, the curse of the Caribbean!

Broadbeard. Aye, that it is, matey, and I'm full o’ right Jamaican rum and ready to fillet anyone what tries to take this bonny wench!

Gail. Look out, Adventure Man! He's got a sword!

Adventure Man. You're right, Gail. But I've got a sword, too, Broadbeard, and I was fencing champ three years running at the Winchester-Thurston School!

Broadbeard. It’ll be a pleasure to see yer blue blood, then, ye scurvy preppie!

(Sound: Swords clashing.)

Speed. It’s a thrust and a parry and a thrust and a dodge and another parry and… Gosh, these swordfights are hard on radio!

(Sound: Loud burbling.)

Gail. What’s that coming up out of the waves?

German Fregattenkapitän. Halt und desist!

Speed. A Nazi U-boat!

German Fregattenkapitän. In ze name of der Führer, I am taking possession off zis vessel!

Adventure Man. You’ll have to fight me for it, Nazi scum!

Broadbeard. Aye, ye scurvy Dutch dog, and me as well!

German Fregattenkapitän. Sturm und Drang! I have ze gun! You vill do my bidding!

Speed. Americans don’t take orders from jackboot-wearing spätzle-eaters like you, mack.

German Fregattenkapitän. You are inferior races! You vill obey!

Speed. Oh yeah? Well, unlike you Germans, who are congenital imbeciles, we Americans know there are no inferior races, except in certain Southern states where the network will cut that line out.

Adventure Man. What’s that up in the sky?

(Sound: Otherworldly hum.)

Gail. It’s a flying saucer!

Speed. And the cup is right behind it!

Adventure Man. That must be the mother ship.

(Sound: Otherworldly hum continues louder.)

Gail. Look! It’s hovering right above the deck of the ship!

Speed. And a stairway is coming down from the bottom of it!

Gail And a little green man is coming down the steps!

German Fregattenkapitän. Himmel und Sauerbraten!

Broadbeard. That’s it. I’m off the Jamaican.

Little Green Man (metallic monotone). Take me to your leader.

Broadbeard. I’m the captain o’ this ship, ye viridescent lubber!

Adventure Man. I think he means world leader. That would be President Roosevelt, of course, but he’s kind of busy…

German Fregattenkapitän. Roosevelt schmoosevelt! He iss nicht der Führer!

Speed. Oh yeah? Well, your Führer couldn’t führ his way out of a paper bag.

Little Green Man (metallic monotone). Your planet is embroiled in petty squabbles. We must exterminate you all for the greater good of the universe.

Adventure Man. Over my dead body!

(Sound: Loud splashing.)

Speed. Hey, what’s that looming up out of the water?

(Sound: Splashing continues, monstrous roar.)

Gail. It’s a kraken!

Adventure Man. I think it would be more accurate to say it’s a-splashin’.

Gail. No, I mean K-R-A-K-E-N, a cephalopod of monstrous size from Norse legend!

(Music: Stinger.)

Gail. Look out! One of its hideous monster tentacles is headed right for us!

Broadbeard. Shiver me timbers!

Little Green Man (metallic monotone). Criminy.

German Fregattenkapitän. Götterdämmerung!

Speed. Hey, watch it, schnitzelface. This is a family show.

(Music: Theme, in and under for…)

Announcer. Is this the end for Adventure Man? Will he defeat the kraken and foil the little green men and escape the Nazi U-boat and overcome the pirate to save plucky Gail Friday? Will Speed get it all on film in time for the city edition? Don’t miss the next exciting episode of the Adventures of Adventure Man!

And now a word from our sponsors. Kids, if you’ve been following the reports from the FDA, you know that every single glass of Malt-O-Cod is an adventure. Don’t miss out on the excitement! Make your parents’ lives miserable until they come through with the Malt-O-Cod, still available at participating supermarkets!