Sir: At least my own beloved state of Florida is taking a stand against cultural decline. At least in Florida no one can try to pass off obscenity as art and get away with it. At least in Florida no one can blaspheme Sacred Scripture in a classroom without suffering the consequences. Who is this artist who calls himself by one name, “Michelangelo,” like the pansy pervert he is? And where does he get off thinking he can turn righteous King David into a piece of vile pornography?
Not in Florida, he can’t! Florida leads the nation in legislating freedom. Not that our job is finished by any means, but we have made it a felony to give books to children, and we have instituted a zero-tolerance policy for inconvenient facts of history. We are on the right track. Soon we will have prohibited enough things to achieve true liberty.
But legislation is only half the job. There must be enforcement. The school principal is out of a job, but the principal is only a pawn in the culture war. The artist is still at large. I call on the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the National Security Agency, and the National Agricultural Statistics Service to leave no stone unturned until this Michelangelo person is brought to justice. We cannot sleep easily in our beds until he is in jail. Then, and only then, will we be truly free.
Graham “Ritz” Cracker,